Mack A. Vellie,
Morris, Morris and Frankenstein, Political Consultants
Suite 1666, K Street
Congratulations on winning the nod out west, in Texas, or wherever it is, you are. Gov. Scott Walker sends you a wahoo all the way from Wisconsin. And Sarah Palin? Well, she is happier than a pit bull in lipstick over your victory. (What a gal! She told me you can see Mexico from your back porch.)
The Right-to-Life groups call you Mr. Right and the Hobby Lobby lobby back here still appreciates your thumbs up on the Supreme Court ruling. Karl Rove and the brothers whose last name rhymes with Coke send hugs.
The money boys here asked me to share some of my expertise with you. I’m a busy man, but I like you, so hop out of the ice cream truck for a second and turn off the chimes, kid. Let’s review your strengths and your weaknesses.
Strength No. 1: Your hair. Let me ask you, do you screw it on or just snap it on like a Lego figure? I kid. Here’s a tip. Make fun of yourself. Nothing wins over a voter like a candidate with a good sense of humor about himself.
That, and looking as though you have nothing to do with the garbage we’re going to rain down on your opponent, right, Vanilla Ice? He’s as dull as a PBS special. Fred DuVal makes Al Gore look like the life of the party. My advice? Underestimate him.
Strength No. 2: You were the CEO of Cold Stone Creamery! I say we ignore the 31 percent of your franchisees who got Bankruptcy Berry stains on their pants. These things happen, right? When you get asked about it bite your lip. Note: Study Bill Clinton for thoughtful lip biting and eye misting. Learn from the pro, grasshopper.
Strength No. 3: You were the State Treasurer of your sandbox, for goodness sakes! Awesome! (Now I know you had nothing to do with your legislators balancing your state’s books by borrowing $3 billion out of the education budget, but I just got to say that was a class act. That money’s gone like a melted Popsicle in June.)
We hear you’re not going to waste a dime on education. Excellent! Don’t let that stop you from talking about how you love education more than whipped cream straight out of the can.
Strength No. 4: Immigration. You and your pal, Sheriff Joe Arpaio, are two scoops in the same cone. Go for a ride-along with your best bud next time he goes on a illegals roundup. I’ll arrange it. Maybe he’ll let you cuff a few. Awesome photo-op, right?
As for the border, promise to hire more prosecutors, send more guardsmen, and build more fences, walls, moats filled with sharks and whatever. The beauty of it is nobody will ever ask you how you’re going to cut taxes and still pay for your own Berlin Wall. Can I get sprinkles on top of that perfect scam? In a waffle cone?
Your groundskeepers have green cards, right?
As for your weaknesses — you don’t have any. Just ask any of our friends over at Fox News. By the way, a little bird told me Sean Hannity loves Dilly Bars. See what you can do, sunshine.
As far as jobs and the economy, serve up the old “trickle down” float, with the old “I ran a business” cherry on top. The average voter has no idea it’s all fizz. Say the words “free market” and they’ll see Dutch Reagan in Heaven’s malt shop smiling down on us. They’ll slap their lips on the straw and suck on it all the way to November.
Also, Captain Cookies ‘n’ Cream, keep the voters’ eyes off the corporate welfare hustle you got going in your state. Divide and conquer. You got that? To make a good banana split you got to slice that banana right down the middle. Peddle “the poor are all lazy welfare cheats” line to the rabble. That way they’ll keep their pitchforks aimed at each other. Throw them that triple-dip baloney banana split and they’ll eat each other alive while we plan your inaugural ball. You want Ted Nugent to sing at your party? I have connections.
I’d love to chat more but I got to reach out to other potential clients. I heard that plucky Martha McSally got the nod to take on the KFC guy. That’s going to be a doozy: the Colonel vs the Colonel.
I look forward to working with you. More to come.
Mack A Vellie
Morris and Frankenstein,
P.S. Delete this email. Really love the hair.