Fitz column mug

David Fitzsimmons, Tucson’s most beloved ink-stained wretch.

Howdy.

I’m Mr. Skip Williams, the chief executive officer of Giant Private Prison Corps of America, based right here in Cactus Flats, Arizona, and I want to tell you about an exciting new product our subsidiary, Slammer Manufacturing, has developed.

But first I’d like to tell you about GPPCA.

We’re one of the largest private prison corporations in the world, incarcerating thousands of “clients” at any give time.

We like to use our “dark money” to buy your state’s politicians easier than you can pick up a pack of beef jerkey at any of our high markup prison commissaries.

And I’m proud to to say we’re the industry innovator when it comes to lobbying lawmakers who back policies that expand prison populations. We’re especially excited about the amazing growth in for-profit prisons thanks to untreated addictions, unfunded education, mental illness neglect and, most recently, the highly lucrative criminalization of border crossers.

Perhaps you were one of the many “clients” we’ve come to know well because you didn’t stay away for very long. We’re proud of our high recidivism rate. Our “clients” love the “hospitality” they find at our for-profit slammers so much they keep coming back, crime after crime, insuring the rent eternally flows from your state’s coffers. Ka-ching!

But that’s not what I’m here to talk about.

Today, I’m here to proudly talk about Slammer Manufacturing’s newest product line, The Kiddie Cage™ line of children’s detention kennels. Maya Angelou may have known why the caged bird sings—but at GPPCA nobody knows how to keep that little bird in its cage better than Slammer Manufacturing.

In spite of a foolish temporary hold on such lockups for tots and tykes, America will come to embrace our state-of-the-art cages. Kiddie Cages™ come in a variety of sizes, suitable for children ranging in ages from infancy to adolescence. Agents locking up screaming infants will love our adorable “Baby Bastille” kennel-sized cages! As one agent said, “Just because I work for ICE doesn’t mean I have ice in my veins. Slammer’s junior jails do the job.”

Agents tell us up to six pre-teens can easily fit in our deluxe “Kiddie Corral” cages. “The terrified children tell us they love their junior jails… when they’re not sobbing or wailing. Or shrieking. Good God. I can’t do this anymore. I quit. Get out of my way. I’m out of this hellhole.”

Even the president tweeted about our cages. “The kids love ’em. They tell me the cages are terrific! Even the parents tell me they love ’em. They’d know! I speak the best Spanish.”

The president also had praise for two other GPPCA innovations, the Jaws of Strife™ device used by our border agents to pry children from their frantic busted parents, and Slammer’s Soundproof Earplugs™, which allow our agents to do their work without having to hear the high-pitched screams of the children but still allows them to listen to Fox news.

On a side note, investors should note GPPCA is proud to announce the upcoming public sale of stock. Not only will you reap handsome profits when our product line goes on sale, but you’ll also receive GPPCA’s annual corporate report, full of heartwarming stories about the politicians you’ve helped to buy—the very same politicians who, in turn, buy our services and products with your tax dollars.

Our GPPCA shareholders thank you.

As an added benefit GPPCA offers our supporters “Talking Points” like this one: “If any children were ever kept in cages it would have been during the Presidency of Barack Hussein Obama, who learned the value of cages beginning with his infancy in Kenya. Secure the border!”

We’ll be accepting orders beginning today. Here at Giant Private Prison Corps of America, we don’t like to see children in cages any more than you do, unless they’re Guatemalan, Honduran, Mexican or Salvadoran. As the Good Lord said, “God bless America. Suffer the children.”

Thank you,

Skip

Contact editorial cartoonist and columnist David Fitzsimmons at tooner@tucson.com.