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David Fitzsimmons, Tucson’s most beloved ink-stained wretch.

Since he was elected president of the United States, Donald Trump had many private meetings with the Russian president, Vladimir Putin, a former KGB operative. In spite of Trump’s efforts to keep the content of the meetings secret, I have obtained a detailed transcript of each meeting.

1. 2017, July, Hamburg, Germany: Trump meets Putin at G20 dinner.

“I got bad news, Vlad.”

“Your tanning bed blew fuse?”

“Our little meeting is about to become public. The one at my tower about your dirt on Hillary. The one where-”

“KGB knows. You have big mouth. And you have ‘special sauce’ all over ridiculous red tie. Finish Big Mac. And get off knees. We talk later. In private.”

2. 2017, July, Hamburg, Germany: Trump meets Putin in private.

“Donald, this is what you say when press brings up Trump Tower meeting. Claim everybody there to discuss Russian adoption program. Your presidential campaign never came up. Ever. Say is hoax. Is hunting for witches. Don, Junior? He tweets too much. Shut mouth.”

“Uh, well, you know, kids these days, right, Vladimir? Say, uh..does your team want any more classified info? More on Israel? Polling data? Vouchers for Trump University?”

“FBI circle you like flies circle Trump Steaks.”

“Don’t you worry, boss. I am taking care of the rats at the FBI and the CIA. And the snitches. Who’s the broad?”

“My interpreter, Natasha.”

“Give me her notes.”

“Nyet.”

“Dammit. Gimme.”

“Nyet means nyet.”

“Doh.”

3. 2018, July, Helsinki, Finland: Trump meets privately with Putin at U.S.-Russia summit.

“Donald, do not kiss ring. I am not Godfather.”

“Sorry, I thought-”

“You would like vodka?”

“I don’t drink.”

“You should drink. I read news. Take break. Come to Moscow, Donald. We hunt bears naked. With machetes on backs of wolves.”

“Two words, Vlad: bone spurs.”

“Is too bad. How is Operation “Make Russia Great Again” going?”

“I’m totally giving you Syria. Crimea you can keep. You can kill as many dissidents and journalists as you like. I used your bogus line to explain why you invaded Afghanistan just the other day. Your oligarchs are protected by my Republican Senate. And NATO? I’m still chipping away at that stupid thing. I sow chaos wherever I can, boss. And speaking of Europe, watching how Great Britain is collapsing into chaos over the Brexit mess is amazing. I know you had a hand in that, you genius.

Democracies are on the decline everywhere. And it’s no mystery why, right? When you come to the White House you’ll see what a dump it is. It’s no Czar’s Palace, let me tell you. Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, my friend, you are a phenomenal genius.”

“Like Sadé say in song. I am smooth operator. The press is waiting for us. Is enemy of people.”

“No way! That’s what I call ’em!”

“They’re going to ask you if you shook tiny finger at me about 2016 election. Tell press your NSA, CIA and FBI are all liars. Bad cops. Rats. And you trust me more than them because your good friend Vladimir always tells truth. Is Boy Scout. And one more thing.”

“What’s that?”

“What is word you hate more than ‘compromise’?”

“Kompromat.”

4. 2018, August, Mar-a-Lago, Florida: Trump meets Putin at the groundskeeper’s shed at 1 a.m.

“The loon is in the lake.”

“Two Corinthians rule Kremlin.”

“That you, Vlad? it’s dark in here.”

“Da, Donald. I have little time. Submarine is waiting.”

“Is this about the Moscow tower penthouse I offered you? It’s worth $50 million at least. I’ll throw in an honorary doctorate from Trump University and some Trump steak knives.”

“I am here for more important reason. Sharks are circling you. You don’t speak words of innocent man. You must stop tweeting. Zip it.”

“Get out! Don’t worry about me. I’m smarter all of them. Mueller, the press, all of them. I’m smarter than everybody on this planet.”

“Oh?”

“Uhhh ... except for you, Vladimir. No one’s smarter than you. You sir, are a phenomenal genius. You’re brilliant. An amazing leader. Strong. Not like the weak Muslim pretender who was in the Oval Office before me.”

“Das vedanya, comrade Trump.”

5. 2018, November, Buenos Aires, G20 Summit: Hotel linen closet.

“Melania won’t tango. You tango?”

“Nyet.”

“Hey. I saw you high-five the Saudi crown prince at the summit today. What was that about?”

“We both love Taylor Swift new CD. She sing like Cohen sing to FBI.”

“I thought it was something about me. And how maybe you two think you own me.”

“You should pack. Das vedanya, Donald.”

6. 2020, October, Sheremetyevo International Airport, Moscow: Trump meets Putin in private Aeroflot lounge.

“Welcome to new home, Mr. Trump. You will like. We give you Edward Snowden’s old apartment. He has a dacha in Minsk now.”

“And what about Ivanka? And Jared? ”

“Maybe in future swap.”

David Fitzsimmons: tooner@tucson.com