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Fitz's Opinion: The humor sustaining us in the face of this great adversity
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Fitz's Opinion: The humor sustaining us in the face of this great adversity

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David Fitzsimmons

The following is the opinion and analysis of the writer:

On my Facebook page I asked my cyber chums to share some of the humor they’re relying on to get by in these dark times. My granddaughter, Emma, liked this one: “Why don’t ants get sick? Because they have little ant-y bodies.”

Joe Rider commented: “The amount of coronavirus jokes is worrying scientists who fear it might become a pundemic.”

Hoarding’s a favorite online topic. “They said a mask and gloves were enough to go to the grocery stores. They lied, everybody else had clothes on.”

Dumb jokes are the comfort food of the humor starved.

Tom Reavus shared this jewel: “Ollie grabs the last pack of toilet paper on the store shelf, and a customer says, ‘Hey that’s mine.’

Ollie replies, ‘Tell you what, let’s take turns kicking each other in the groin. Whoever is left standing gets the TP.’

The customer agrees and stands ready for Ollie’s kick. Ollie’s first kick sends the customer to the floor, reeling in agony.

‘Ooh, aah, ooh’, he groans, but, after a minute, or so, he pulls himself up and says, ‘OK, my turn.’ Ollie turns away and says, ‘Nah, you can keep the toilet paper.’

One online poster suggested,“You’ll never run out of toilet paper if you follow this one step. Go to the store daily and buy a single candy bar. Make sure to ask for a receipt. Daily TP problem solved.“

Don’t do that. Please stay home.

Elliott Glicksman messaged me. “I’m at senior hour at Whole Foods. Made a couple of bucks on the way in selling fake IDs to 58-year olds.”

Jeani Burins finally lost it in Albertsons. “Saw a man whose cart was full to the brim with hand sanitizers, baby wipes, soaps! Everything that people need!

I called him selfish, and started throwing a full-on guilt trip at him for all the elderly people and moms who need these types of things. Told him he should be freaking ashamed of himself!

Then he said: ‘Ma’am, are you done? Cause I really need to get back to filling the shelves now.’”

Who’s paranoid? Who hasn’t seen this meme? “I used to cough to hide a fart. Now I fart to hide a cough.” Avoid the embarrassment. Stay home.

Trivial humor offers the relief of distraction from misery. Observe the struggles of the sports deprived: “Day 6 of no sports. Watching birds fighting over worms. Cardinals lead the Bluejays 3-1.”

Howard Play commented, “Day 2 without sports. Found a lady sitting on my couch. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.” Practice social distancing, lover boy.

Hand-washing hundreds of times a day like raccoons on speed is a popular topic. “Wash your hands like you just ate a bag of Cheetos and are about to crochet with white yarn.”

Becca Carroll offered this classic:

“Virus: Knock, knock.

Human host: Who’s there?

Virus: COVID-19.

Host: COVID-19, Who?

Virus: ‘Glad you asked. Wash your damn hands!’

I believe that’s an official CDC recommendation.

Cricket Grantham’s original lyrics, inspired by the Mickey Mouse Club song, are ideal for hand-washing:

“Stay inside and wash your hands across the whole US.

C-O-R…O-N-A…V-I-R-U-S!

Together we can stay apart and flatten out this mess!

C-O-R…O-N-A…V-I-R-U-S!

Wash your hands.

(Stay Inside!)

Wash your hands.

(Stay Inside!)

For one month let’s just do whatever’s best!

Come along and sing this song:

Let’s flatten out this mess!

C-O-R…O-N-A…V-I-R-U-S”

Some are NSFWfH. Not Safe For Working from Home. Like this faux headline: “COVID-19 Hits Porn Hub, subscribers lament ‘Just not Same with Haz Mat Suits’” When it comes to sheltering-in-place the humor is outside the box: “Sorry. All I have are inside jokes.” Ouch.

Many of us are not home alone. “Day 3 of home school, two kids have been suspended for fighting and the teacher was fired for drinking on the job”

Jokes vent frustration. “If the schools are closed too long, the parents are going to find a vaccine.”

Jokes express optimism there will be life after this pandemic.“Why is my sister’s name Paris, dad?”

“Because we conceived her in Paris.”

“Thanks, Dad.”

“No sweat, Quarantine.”

As for the virus itself? A meme answers, “Any fool could have told you eating bats would have consequences. Just ask Ozzy Osbourne.”

And any fool can tell you when you stop laughing is when you have lost hope. We will never lose hope. And this won’t be easy. I’m with Andy Crouch on this. “Honestly, I hadn’t planned on giving this much up for Lent.”

One thing we will not give up in the trying days ahead is our sense of humor.

David Fitzsimmons: tooner@tucson.com.

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