The following column is the opinion and analysis of the writer:
I loved the Republican National Convention for all the obvious reasons. I love horror. And fantasy. And I was hoping to see the Tiger King. Here is what I did see, for those of you snowflakes too chicken to watch. But first a toast. For my “Convention Kool-aid” mixer I used the following ingredients:
1.5 ounces of Lysol
Jigger of Clorox
Dash of UV rays
On the rocks (Tide pods)
Injected, not stirred
Presentation of the Confederate flag.
National Anthem, “Dixie,” sung by Sen. Lindsay Graham and the Fox News Glee Club and Think Tank.
Prayer: God bless the prideful, gluttonous, wrathful, greedy adulterers among us who lust for power. Amen.
President Trump gavels the 2020 Republican National Coronation to order with a nine iron.
The Pledge of Aggrievance.
Kimberly Guilfoyle: Harken as I call the howling demons forth from the bowels of Hell in 2020, the year the Beast rises to smite the Post Office.
Donald Trump, Jr: Like my dad, I’m into women who howl like banshees on coke. And ending nepotism in the Democratic Party.
Nikki Haley: Why selling your soul to Donald is a Trump family value that all children of immigrants should follow to their political demise.
Donald: Me, again. Did I mention QAnon loves me? They say Biden is a pedophile cannibal. That’s what people are saying. Good people.
Scott Baio: Chachi loves Donald.
Chuck Woolery: Why we shouldn’t listen to celebrities or reality TV stars.
Donald: Me, again. Biden will make America worse than I have.
In memory of Black Lives Matter protests the Trump University Glee Club performs “Another one bites the dust.”
Donald: Me, again. Kamala Harris is an angry, nasty black woman. Is she a citizen?
Rich White Racist Gun Nuts of St. Louis for Trump: The forgotten persecuted white American.
Steve Bannon’s Bail Bondsman announces GoFundMe page for indicted scammers.
Donald: Me, again. I am the Party of Law and Order. Kudos to the vigilantes shooting black protesters.
Rod Serling hologram celebrates the president’s many achievement since 2016. OK. Half of one achievement. Five miles of new wall. Update: Four miles just collapsed into the Rio Grande.
Kim Jong-un of “Dictators for Dotards,” President Xi Jinping of China and Vladimir Putin nominate Donald Trump.
Procession sponsored by “Tiki Torch Town” of Charlottesville.
First Lady Melania: Take my husband. Please.
Secretary of State Mike Pompeo: Who needs treaties, allies or a president who knows Nambia is not a country or that WWII did not end in 1918 or that Washington didn’t defend our airports from the redcoats? Pick, pick, pick.
Donald: Me, again. Why Sen. Mitt Romney, former Sen. Jeff Flake, former Vice President Dick Cheney, my former defense secretary General Jim Mattis, my former White House Chief of Staff retired U.S. Marine Corps General John Kelly, and Mary Trump are all untalented losers.
Acting Secretary of Dudes, Eric Trump: God bless dad’s America, a “land of opportunity” for grifters, scammers and con men with a dream.
Donald: Me, again. And McCain is still not a hero.
Acting Daughter Tiffany Trump: Nepotism in the gnarly Democratic Party is totally icky.
Acting National Security Director Bonzo “Chimp Eyes” Trump: What Tiff said.
Donald: Me, again. Radical Dems want to force you to stop spreading the virus, which is a hoax.
Sen. Rand Paul: Expanding our tent to include Caucasian libertarian ophthalmologists unsure about criminalizing lynching.
Vice President Pence accepts Party’s Abomination, Trump.
Donald: Me, again. Why one Pence is better than Two Corinthians.
Second Lady Karen Pence: We are evangelical Christians proud to declare we have no pool boy.
Acting Secretary of Who Knows, Jared Kushner: The nepotism and corruption of the Democrats.
Acting Secretary of Golf, Mulligan Trump: Stop the nepotism. And low flush toilets. And asking Donald to keep an honest golf score.
Reverend Jerry Falwell, Jr., introduces a video he likes to watch.
Donald: Me, again. Why are ex-Secretaries of State Rex Tillerson and Colin Powell, former Director of National Intelligence Dan Coats, former Sen. John Warner, former Ohio Gov. John Kasich, former Rep. Susan Molinari and ex-President George Bush low-life backstabbing $#!!?#.
Indicted Felons Chorus performs “It’s just a matter of time.”
Kellyanne Conway: Why destroying my family was worth every lie for my orange master.
Ivanka Trump: Introducing my new line of “End the Nepotism” Ivanka wear! Order yours today!
Donald Trump: Me, again. I’d date her in an instant if I could. Isn’t Biden creepy?
Ted Nugent: Sings “Just a Gigolo” and skins an elk.
Rudy Giuliani: Why Biden is Lex Luthor on Lipitor and why I’ve never combusted like Nosferatu in sunlight.
Mitch McConnell: Proud to be running interference for Moscow.
Clint Eastwood’s chair introduces the nominee.
Donald Trump’s acceptance speech: My bold vision for America.
President of Russia Vladimir Putin: Good night, Americanski.
Bravo. A toast. To democracy!