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Fitz's Opinion: A zoom Thanksgiving celebration took place long before yours, pilgrim
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Fitz's Opinion: A zoom Thanksgiving celebration took place long before yours, pilgrim

The President of the United States is spreading hate

The following column is the opinion and analysis of the writer:

I was surprised to learn the first Zoom Thanksgiving celebration took place in 1620. Who knew?

- Good morrow, Hester. A blessed Thanksgiving to thee! Who did thee invite to thy Zoom?

- Good morrow, pilgrim John. A blessed Thanksgiving to thee! I invited the Wampanoag Nation. Chief Massasoit. The Standish family. The Hawthornes. Reverend Dimmesdale and —

- Good morrow, Massasoit. A blessed Thanksgiving to thee!

- Same to you, Hester. Where’s pilgrim Toobin?

- In the stocks. Freezing his blunderbuss off.

- He claimed he didn’t know his video was live. He claimed he was churning butter.

- Are thou wearing thy loin cloth, Nakomis? We can’t see!

- Very funny, Myles. Where are your breeches?

- Thou are so funny the devil tempts me to laugh. How fares thee Massasoit? And thy people?

- A side from the pandemic you introduced to our shores that is wiping out our race — we’re fantastic. When your colony’s Governor Smith instructed you to wear “thy masks” you should have listened. Instead you burned three witches. Speaking of burning I see smoke coming from Abigail’s hearth. Check your chowder!

- Look at all the participants signing on! It’s a Mayflower reunion! The whole Wampanoag nation is here! A blessed Thanksgiving to thee all! How goes it at your longhouse, sister Kawhita?

- I got a text from Constance. She’s having trouble signing on.

- Tell her to, “click on thy link, use thy code and then thy password.”

- Constance is asking Patience where is thy password?

- We need our IT guy. Squanto? A blessed Thanksgiving to thee, Squanto!

- A blessed Thanksgiving to you! Resending the password, now. Text Constance to check her e-mail.

- We thank thee, Squanto. Ephraim, I like thy hearth behind thee. Is that a virtue background?

- Room Rater gave it a 99. A blessed Thanksgiving to thee!

- Hester, unmute me.

- Ebenezer, can thou unmute Constance?

- Thou can unmute thyself, Constance. My feast grows cold.

- Make me a co-host. Huzzah! Thou hast video and audio, Constance!

- I pray thee hang on. Can thou hear me now?

- Running Deer! Thy new moccasins! Where did thou find …

- Amazon. What’s for dinner at your lodge, Abigail? We are having cod. From Long John Silver’s.

- We are having turkey, corn and homemade stuffing. And a Costco pumpkin pie the size of a wagon wheel.

- May we begin? Will thou lead us, Hester?

- A woman? How progressive.

- Thou art so Old World, Ebenezer.

- Get thou with the times. It’s 1620. It’s a New World!

- Brothers and sisters, bow thy heads.

- Brother Thomas! Thou are too close to thy camera. Thy entire screen is taken up by thy bald spot. We can count thy moles. Thou hast six moles on thy bald spot. Are thee a witch?

- John, unmute Reverend Dimmesdale.

- Seven moles are the sign of the Devil. Six moles bring luck. Thou art good.

- I pray thee begin, Hester. My stomach is as empty as a chamber pot.

- Elizabeth, thou art so witty Lucifer tempts me to chuckle. Not.

- Everyone. A blessed Thanksgiving to thee all. Let us pray. O Lord, our God, and heavenly Father, for Thy bounty we give thanks. Amen.

- I’m not finished, Squanto. Nathaniel, drop thy bun.

- Sorry.

- With thankful hearts let Thy blessing rest upon these, Thy good creatures. We humbly beseech Thee, Lord, that as we share Thy bounty, online, under our thatched roofs, and in our lodges, next to our warm glowing fires, to fill our hearts with love and compassion for those who are without shelter, and sore in need, at this terrible time of want. We humbly beseech Thee, Lord, to keep all from harm, to heal the sick, to welcome the dying to Thy embrace, and to comfort those who mourn. Squanto?

- And for this working internet connection, we give thanks. Massasoit?

- Mother Earth, we thank you for this harvest. We thank you for our elders. For our ancestors and for our beloved friends and family gathered here on one screen. Mother Earth, we ask that you protect our healers. And our warriors far from home. Give us strength and patience during this time when we are apart and alone. Let us remember the prophecy of our elders who tell us it is by being apart and alone that we secure the promise of next Thanksgiving, when all of us will feast together as one family. As one people. Hester?

- Through Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior. Massasoit?

- So be it.

- Amen.

- Amen. Amen, Amen.

- Ditto.

- Amen.

- Dig in! Pass me the salt. Hester! Are thou talking about me behind my back in thy chat with Massasoit?

- Who said, “Ditto?”

- Brothers and sisters. I propose a toast. A blessed Thanksgiving to thee all.

- And to Thanksgivings to come. Huzzah!

David Fitzsimmons: tooner@tucson.com.

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