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Fitz's Opinion: The speech Trump will deliver in Florence today
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Fitz’s Opinion

Fitz's Opinion: The speech Trump will deliver in Florence today

The following column is the opinion and analysis of the writer:

Here’s my advance copy of the speech Trump will deliver tonight in Florence, Arizona, at his “Save America Rally.”

It’s great to be here in Arizona, home to the Q-Anon Shaman, the Grand Canyon and, you may not know this, but Arizona was settled by the Dallas Cowboys, it’s true, and everyone knows I love Barry Goldwater and even Putin will tell you there’s a special place in my heart for Goldwater and I’m here because I’ve got Arizona’s entire Republican Party cornered like a Rockette on an elevator and Donald Trump wants to save Donald Trump from the socialists, the woke elites and the lizard people who are destroying this great country and you can buy my “Save America” merchandise at any of the vendors in the back, behind the press, the enema of the people, the disgusting liars who won’t tell America there are eleventy billion people here and that your border is in chaos and believe me, I know chaos, and everybody can see what happens when you don’t separate kids from their parents and so we’re going to be doing a lot of beautiful things to stop the chaos at the border starting with building the wall and I want to thank the Penal County Police for the tremendous job they’re doing, we love the police, folks, except for the Capitol Hill Police who are all traitors and someone told me, a very important insider, that Florence hasn’t changed a bit since it was built for the movie “The Last Fixture Show“ in ’97 and you may not know I gave Bogdanovich the idea for the film, it’s true, but what’s more important is that my campaign to make America great again is very much like Florence, a phenomenal town, it’s in the middle of nowhere, frozen in the past and boarded up, but, folks, my point is if things don’t change you won’t have a country for very much longer which is what I want, so, folks, with your help, let’s see to it that things don’t change by electing Team Trump in 2022 because believe me what happened to Donald Trump here was criminal, and I just learned over 36 million ballots were illegally cast by cactuses, the tall green ones, unbelievable, and I was told 20,000 ballots were lost by your Pony Express and everyone knows I beat Sleepy Joe by 72 million votes in Gary Cooper County and no one is even bothering to look into the reports of Anti-fa Apaches stealing ballots from stage coaches and that’s because your governor is weak and everyone says I won and we were robbed and the ultraviolet bamboo fibers from Italy proved it, that the last election was rigged and this time around we’re going to do a better job of rigging the election with the help of patriots like Marky Mark Finchem, who I saw at the Capitol on January 6th, so if you want Trump to take Arizona in 2024 vote for Yosemite Sam there for secretary of state, which brings me to your next governor, come up here, Kari Lake, a real 10 and I didn’t say you could talk, so give me the mike, and don’t McSally me, but, folks, believe me, Kari will be an amazing governor because she worked for Fox News in Phoenix, unlike that loser, Doozy, who didn’t return my calls during the recount because he’s weak, weak, unlike Arizona’s true patriots, our phenomenal cyberninjas and Doug Logan who couldn’t be here or anywhere tonight and that’s because the haters are everywhere, like your Secretary of State Katie Hobbs, a real loser, folks, extremely crooked and a “6” at best and where are my Latinos? There they are! Tell the Border Patrol! Where’s my Border Patrol? They’re over there! Grab ‘em! Grab their kids! Rough ’em up a little.

Here’s my chief strategist, Mike Lindell, the My Pillow guy, come on up here and hey, Mike, I didn’t say you could speak so just sit, Mike. Stay, Mike! Good boy.

Here’s the chair of my party in Arizona, Dr. Kelli Ward, who’s a looker ain’t she folks? Sit, Kelli. Sit. I said sit. Good girl.

Congressman Gosar, who gave up a white supremacy rally to be here tonight is a real patriot man. Heel, boy. Stay. Stay, boy. That’s a good boy. Rollover. Beg. Lindell, toss him a treat.

Like the brave Confederate patriots in 1776 who manned the ramparts and took over the airports in spite of the sun’s glare and the bombs bursting in air in 2022 I’m depending on Arizona to give me hope that Donald Trump is still here and God bless me and God bless America and thank me for being here. Thank me very much. Good night.

David Fitzsimmons:

tooner@tucson.com


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