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Fitz's Opinion: The surprising agenda for Saturday's pro-insurrection rally in D.C.
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Fitz’s Opinion

Fitz's Opinion: The surprising agenda for Saturday's pro-insurrection rally in D.C.

The following column is the opinion and analysis of the writer:

Today’s agenda

“Justice For January 6th” Rally

U.S. Capitol, Union Square

Unedited

MORNING

8:00: ANTHEM: “Dixie”: Gen. Michael Flynn on calliope

8:05: Prayer: “God bless our Savior Donald Trump” by noted anti-vaccine preacher Dilbert Giggins*

*Canceled due to Giggins untimely death from COVID.

8:10: Justice NOW!: Anti-vaccine talk show radio host “Jimmy Justice”*

*Canceled due to Mr. Justice’s untimely death from COVID.

8:30: “STOP THE STEAL” SHOCKING AUDIT RESULTS: Arizona Republican Party Chairwoman Kelli Ward*

*Delayed due to antifa terrorists hiding our office staplers. Rescheduled for 12:30.

8:35: Free the J6 POLITICAL PRISONERS!: Patriot Dilmore Frito; founder, “Non-Violent Patriots Defense League”*

*Canceled due to Mr. Frito’s arrest on federal charges for assaulting a Capitol Hill Police officer on Jan. 6 with a baseball bat, illegal possession of Molotov cocktails, machetes and a bucket of anthrax

8:40: FAKE NEWS! HOW A MIDDLE SCHOOL TOUR WENT WRONG: Sean Hannity

9:00: HOW SOROS USED SPACE ALIENS TO DELIVER THE STOLEN TRUMP BALLOTS TO THE ILLUMINATI WHO REPLACED THEM WITH BIDEN BALLOTS AND HAVE YOU TRIED MY LATEST PILLOW, “THE CHLOROFORM SLEEPER”?: Mike Lindell, “Pillow Guy”

10:00: HOW PUPPET BIDEN CONTROLLED BY THE BLACKS, THE JEWS, CANNIBALS, PEDOPHILES AND AN ULTRA-SUPER SECRET CABAL OF ITALIAN UNITARIANS STOLE THE ELECTION: Lurleen Liberty, conservative talk show host, radio KKKK-AM*

*Canceled due to Miss Liberty’s untimely death from an Ivermectin/Clorox overdose.

10:15: HOW TO TELL THE CAPITOL APART FROM ALL THE OTHER BIG BUILDINGS AROUND HERE: Douglas Austin Jensen, fellow patriot deceived by the deep state into thinking the Capitol was the White House on Jan. 6 and who posted his confusion online, tells you which is which — if the deep state hasn’t switched them.

10:30: DONATE TODAY: “Send Trump to Pebble Beach” fund

10:40: Proud Boy Glee Club Singalong

11:00: MILITARY COSPLAY FASHION SHOW: Sponsored by Hasbro, makers of “G.I. Joe” action figures

11:25: DONATE TODAY: “Keep Melania Happy” fund

11:30: COWBOY COSPLAY FASHION SHOW: Arizona State Rep. Mark Finchem, sponsored by Oathkeepers and Lil’ Buckaroo Western Wear

NOON

12:00: CATERED LUNCH: “Sedition Subs” made with “Patriot’s Pastrami” drenched in colloidal silver dressing, Ivermectin smoothie, hydroxychloroquine pie

12:30: PITCHFORK JOUSTING : Pitchforks, football helmets, refereeing and first-aid courtesy of Alabama Sen. Tommy Tuberville

12:30: “STOP THE STEAL” SHOCKING AUDIT RESULTS: Arizona Republican Party Chairwoman Kelli Ward*

*Cancelled due to Dr. Ward’s dog Sugar Pie eating entire report

12:55: DONATE TODAY: “Trump 2024” campaign fund

AFTERNOON

1:00: FLAGPOLE VAULTING: How to use “Old Glory” to vault over obstacles by planting your flagpole in downed Capitol Hill Police, sponsored by “Blue Lives Matter Unless They’re Capitol Police Officers”

1:30: DONATE TODAY: “Trump 2024 Stop the Steal” legal fund

1:35: HOW TO DEFEND YOURSELF AGAINST TEAR GAS, MICROCHIPS, AOC and SPACE Lasers: Georgia Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, sponsored by “Steve Bannon Haircare and Weight Loss Products”

1:47: CAPITOL TOURS SIGN UP: Colorado Rep. Lauren Boebert, sponsored by “Giuliani Hair Dye for Men”

2:00: MOMENT OF SILENCE FOR J6 PATRIOTS: Please silence your phones and pause your text messaging to our congressional allies inside the Capitol.

2:01: HOW HITLER TURNED PROTESTORS KILLED IN 1923 INTO MARTYRS AND WON IN ’32: Joseph Gerrbuls, owner “Blitzkrieg Brass Knuckle Supply,” Apache Junction

2:15: DID YOU GET MY REPLY-ALL? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP THE SEIZURE BY THE FASCIST DEEP STATE OF OUR PHONE RECORDS LINKING US TO ALL OF YOU!: Texas Rep. Louie Gohmert

2:45: DONATE TODAY: “Trump 2028” campaign fund

3:00: WHY OUR PARTY’S BIG TENT IS A BIG BEAUTIFUL WHITE HOOD: Arizona Representative Paul Gosar; founder, “Anglo Sax-Anon”

3:45: DONATE TODAY: “Trump 2028 Stop the Steal” legal fund

4:00: TRUMP MERCHANDISE BLUE LIGHT SPECIALS!: Check out our Trump T-shirts, “Trump Bamboo Detectors,” “Trump Lysol Flasks,” “Trump ‘Taken-by-a-Hoax’ Cremation Urns,” “Trump ‘I-Owned-the-Libs’ Memorial Markers” and our discounted “Hang Pence” banners from 2020.

4:45: DONATE TODAY: “Trump 2036” campaign fund

EVENING

5:00: PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE: To Donald J Trump

5:15: DONATE TODAY: “Trump 2036 Stop the Steal” legal fund

5:30: TIKI TORCH PARADE AND CONGA LINE: “They won’t replace us” chant-along sponsored by “White Lies Matter”

6:00: MIXER AND SEIGE: Sponsored by “Bruin Blaster” Bear Spray and “Outrageous Orange,” the Lysol-based sports drink

8:00: MUSICAL TRIBUTE TO FREEDOM: Sen. Josh Hawley on kazoo, Sen. Ted Cruz on concertina, Rep. Andy Biggs on bongos, Rep. Kevin McCarthy on tuba, Rep. Mo Brooks on banjo and Gen. Michael Flynn on calliope

8:55: DONATE TODAY: “Trump’s Cryogenically Frozen Head 2040” campaign fund

9:00: FIREWORKS

David Fitzsimmons:

tooner@tucson.com


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