The following column is the opinion and analysis of the writer:
“Justice For January 6th” Rally
U.S. Capitol, Union Square
8:00: ANTHEM: “Dixie”: Gen. Michael Flynn on calliope
8:05: Prayer: “God bless our Savior Donald Trump” by noted anti-vaccine preacher Dilbert Giggins*
*Canceled due to Giggins untimely death from COVID.
8:10: Justice NOW!: Anti-vaccine talk show radio host “Jimmy Justice”*
*Canceled due to Mr. Justice’s untimely death from COVID.
8:30: “STOP THE STEAL” SHOCKING AUDIT RESULTS: Arizona Republican Party Chairwoman Kelli Ward*
*Delayed due to antifa terrorists hiding our office staplers. Rescheduled for 12:30.
8:35: Free the J6 POLITICAL PRISONERS!: Patriot Dilmore Frito; founder, “Non-Violent Patriots Defense League”*
*Canceled due to Mr. Frito’s arrest on federal charges for assaulting a Capitol Hill Police officer on Jan. 6 with a baseball bat, illegal possession of Molotov cocktails, machetes and a bucket of anthrax
8:40: FAKE NEWS! HOW A MIDDLE SCHOOL TOUR WENT WRONG: Sean Hannity
9:00: HOW SOROS USED SPACE ALIENS TO DELIVER THE STOLEN TRUMP BALLOTS TO THE ILLUMINATI WHO REPLACED THEM WITH BIDEN BALLOTS AND HAVE YOU TRIED MY LATEST PILLOW, “THE CHLOROFORM SLEEPER”?: Mike Lindell, “Pillow Guy”
10:00: HOW PUPPET BIDEN CONTROLLED BY THE BLACKS, THE JEWS, CANNIBALS, PEDOPHILES AND AN ULTRA-SUPER SECRET CABAL OF ITALIAN UNITARIANS STOLE THE ELECTION: Lurleen Liberty, conservative talk show host, radio KKKK-AM*
*Canceled due to Miss Liberty’s untimely death from an Ivermectin/Clorox overdose.
10:15: HOW TO TELL THE CAPITOL APART FROM ALL THE OTHER BIG BUILDINGS AROUND HERE: Douglas Austin Jensen, fellow patriot deceived by the deep state into thinking the Capitol was the White House on Jan. 6 and who posted his confusion online, tells you which is which — if the deep state hasn’t switched them.
10:30: DONATE TODAY: “Send Trump to Pebble Beach” fund
10:40: Proud Boy Glee Club Singalong
11:00: MILITARY COSPLAY FASHION SHOW: Sponsored by Hasbro, makers of “G.I. Joe” action figures
11:25: DONATE TODAY: “Keep Melania Happy” fund
11:30: COWBOY COSPLAY FASHION SHOW: Arizona State Rep. Mark Finchem, sponsored by Oathkeepers and Lil’ Buckaroo Western Wear
12:00: CATERED LUNCH: “Sedition Subs” made with “Patriot’s Pastrami” drenched in colloidal silver dressing, Ivermectin smoothie, hydroxychloroquine pie
12:30: PITCHFORK JOUSTING : Pitchforks, football helmets, refereeing and first-aid courtesy of Alabama Sen. Tommy Tuberville
12:30: “STOP THE STEAL” SHOCKING AUDIT RESULTS: Arizona Republican Party Chairwoman Kelli Ward*
*Cancelled due to Dr. Ward’s dog Sugar Pie eating entire report
12:55: DONATE TODAY: “Trump 2024” campaign fund
1:00: FLAGPOLE VAULTING: How to use “Old Glory” to vault over obstacles by planting your flagpole in downed Capitol Hill Police, sponsored by “Blue Lives Matter Unless They’re Capitol Police Officers”
1:30: DONATE TODAY: “Trump 2024 Stop the Steal” legal fund
1:35: HOW TO DEFEND YOURSELF AGAINST TEAR GAS, MICROCHIPS, AOC and SPACE Lasers: Georgia Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, sponsored by “Steve Bannon Haircare and Weight Loss Products”
1:47: CAPITOL TOURS SIGN UP: Colorado Rep. Lauren Boebert, sponsored by “Giuliani Hair Dye for Men”
2:00: MOMENT OF SILENCE FOR J6 PATRIOTS: Please silence your phones and pause your text messaging to our congressional allies inside the Capitol.
2:01: HOW HITLER TURNED PROTESTORS KILLED IN 1923 INTO MARTYRS AND WON IN ’32: Joseph Gerrbuls, owner “Blitzkrieg Brass Knuckle Supply,” Apache Junction
2:15: DID YOU GET MY REPLY-ALL? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP THE SEIZURE BY THE FASCIST DEEP STATE OF OUR PHONE RECORDS LINKING US TO ALL OF YOU!: Texas Rep. Louie Gohmert
2:45: DONATE TODAY: “Trump 2028” campaign fund
3:00: WHY OUR PARTY’S BIG TENT IS A BIG BEAUTIFUL WHITE HOOD: Arizona Representative Paul Gosar; founder, “Anglo Sax-Anon”
3:45: DONATE TODAY: “Trump 2028 Stop the Steal” legal fund
4:00: TRUMP MERCHANDISE BLUE LIGHT SPECIALS!: Check out our Trump T-shirts, “Trump Bamboo Detectors,” “Trump Lysol Flasks,” “Trump ‘Taken-by-a-Hoax’ Cremation Urns,” “Trump ‘I-Owned-the-Libs’ Memorial Markers” and our discounted “Hang Pence” banners from 2020.
4:45: DONATE TODAY: “Trump 2036” campaign fund
5:00: PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE: To Donald J Trump
5:15: DONATE TODAY: “Trump 2036 Stop the Steal” legal fund
5:30: TIKI TORCH PARADE AND CONGA LINE: “They won’t replace us” chant-along sponsored by “White Lies Matter”
6:00: MIXER AND SEIGE: Sponsored by “Bruin Blaster” Bear Spray and “Outrageous Orange,” the Lysol-based sports drink
8:00: MUSICAL TRIBUTE TO FREEDOM: Sen. Josh Hawley on kazoo, Sen. Ted Cruz on concertina, Rep. Andy Biggs on bongos, Rep. Kevin McCarthy on tuba, Rep. Mo Brooks on banjo and Gen. Michael Flynn on calliope
8:55: DONATE TODAY: “Trump’s Cryogenically Frozen Head 2040” campaign fund