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Fitz's Opinion: Tucson shopper's performance is not to be missed; you'll laugh yourself sick!
editor's pick

Fitz's Opinion: Tucson shopper's performance is not to be missed; you'll laugh yourself sick!

OPINION: Is this the end for Sour Frank?

The following column is the opinion and analysis of the writer:

“A video of a man yelling angrily about mask requirements at a Tucson-area Sprouts has collected millions of views a day after it was first posted online.”

—The Arizona Daily Star

The comic genius who premiered his “Only pu----s wear masks” routine in front of a live audience of masked shoppers at a Tucson Sprouts is being hailed as the bright new comedy star of 2020 by fringe critics, and this gourmand of fine comedy could not agree more. Retweeting the video I commented, “Genius! The Andy Kaufman of the anti-mask movement. Kudos for a captivating performance!”

A performance that stands out among his anti-mask comic peers for its raw humor and bold physical comedy. When he artfully punctuates the conclusion of his performance by breaking wind as he is “restrained” by his son who carries him “offstage” to jeers from his audience, I laughed so hard I dropped my chloroquine mixer. His mastery of slapstick was simply stellar.

One can clearly see the influence of Martin and Lewis, Laurel and Hardy or the Three Stooges in his work. In my estimation, his performance even outshined that of a conceptual virtuoso, a rising anti-mask star, a woman in California who allegedly finished her bravura performance in a Verizon store by urinating on the floor.

Our Tucson Titan, who artfully projects the retro throwback feel of “Hee-Haw” meets “Mr. Deeds Goes Ballistic,” knows how to read a room, introducing his brilliantly crafted monologue with “You’re a bunch of idiots wearing masks. You know it’s not real!”

His command of the stage, in the baked-goods section, was incomparable. His timing? Impeccable. His next line — Wait for it!—is a shrewd takedown of a mask-wearing audience member: “You look like you got it off your mom’s countertop!” What a rapid-fire intellect! If only the butcher behind the counter had a snare for a rimshot. And then, without missing a beat he “kills” with his trademark punchline, “You (inaudible) got a f---in’ doily on your face.”

Who knew Sprouts had a budget for such high-brow in-store comedy? Kudos to Sprouts! Up your game Safeway and Fry’s!

Word on the street is Hollywood agents have been calling our local superstar. Ted Nugent has asked him to open for him on his It’s Just The Sniffles Tour. Dubbed the “Oscar Wilde of the Right,” he’s been asked to headline a Q-Anon cruise and, dig this, local gossips tell me our Tucson treasure is in the middle of negotiations to be the new host of “Alex Jones’ Funniest Viral Videos”!

Sturgis is calling! I have no doubt President Trump, who has described him in a tweet as “The Larry the Kable(sic) Guy of our time!” will invite him to headline at the CPAC Comedy Festival, world renowned for its paucity of actual humor.

Interviewed by a gushing Tucker Carlson he said, “Tucker, every word and exquisitely choreographed move is finely hewn by me. And yes, my daring use of language is exquisitely calculated. The costuming is entirely mine.”

“What were you shopping for at Sprouts?”

“Cruelty-free organic pork rinds.”

“Really?”

“… and lactose-free Lysol milk. They were out.”

I admire his spellbinding gift for out-of-the-box zingers such as the trenchant “You look like an idiot!” Who has the dazzling brainpower to improvise on the spot like that? Who? With peerless aplomb he crushed his hecklers with such inventive jewels as “You look like a dork” or “I’ll beat that mask off your face — you look like a f---ing r-word.”

Overwhelmed by his new-found fame, and the clamor of fans, our local star will soon be courted by Sean Spicer, of Spicer, Stone & Scaramucci, to handle the inevitable pop-up book deals, the merchandising of “Hey, dork! Is that a doily on your face?” T-shirts and caps, and the all-important copyrighting of his hilarious trademark flatulence often mimicked by armpit-pumping admirers.

Gov. Doug Ducey has announced he will be inviting him to perform at a Koch Brothers retreat, saying, “I’m more than willing to unleash a COVID-19 surge — just for the much-needed chuckles! Masks optional!”

What’s next for our angry anti-mask superstar? Performing outside a school? A senior care center? Or a hospital emergency room entrance? Or better yet, showing up at the funeral of a pandemic victim to “set them idiots straight?” “It ain’t real!” followed by breaking wind. Always brings the house down.

David Fitzsimmons: tooner@tucson.com.

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