Ask Amy: Ex-boyfriend becomes current-colleague

I attended an office lunch for new employees last week, and was totally shocked to see my ex-boyfriend, “Kieran,” among them!

He had accepted a job and started at the company the week before.

We acknowledged each other at the lunch, but I was so shocked that I didn’t say much to him, and left as soon as I could.

We dated for almost two years, and called it quits about three years ago. At the time, I’d caught him lying about where he was and what he was doing. I didn’t trust him anymore, so I ended it.

It was a bad breakup. We haven’t talked since. We don’t follow each other on social media.

I am dating a great guy now. I’m pretty sure that Kieran is still single.

Kieran reached out to me over email, apologizing for the awkward workplace encounter, and asked if I wanted to grab coffee.

I told him I’m not ready. I want to be fair to my boyfriend’s feelings, too. (I haven’t told my boyfriend about this, yet.)

Shouldn’t Kieran have contacted me before he accepted a job at my company? Isn’t that selfish on his part?

How should I deal with this situation now?

— Upset

Dear Upset: How strange that the lying, selfish guy you broke up with three years ago isn’t behaving the way you want him to now.

Given that you have no contact, he does not owe you a heads-up about his employment, however (I’m assuming that neither of you supervises the other).

Behave professionally and cordially if you encounter him.

Otherwise, ignore him. If you don’t want to have coffee, don’t; you don’t need to explain yourself. Tell your current boyfriend that “Kieran” is working at your company.

Keeping this a secret only ups the ante.

Dear Amy: How do I tell my cheap girlfriend that she needs to pitch in? We’ve been dating for over a year. On the rare occasions she takes me out, I have to pay for at least part of it. She’s even gone as far as saying that she’s taking me out, but then (miraculously) I end up paying!

For example, she recently “treated” me to a “free” comedy show. I ended up buying dinner for both of us.

One show she took me to cost me $120 in souvenirs and booze.

If she buys dinner, I pay tax and tip. When I take her out, I end up paying for everything, ticket costs, dinner, transportation.

Her cost of living is much higher than mine, so I always used this as an excuse, but I recently lost my job, and she has managed to pay for two solo vacations this year.

Do I speak up when the bill comes? Before we go out? Sit down now and have a serious talk?

I just don’t know how to address this without coming off as resentful.

— Feeling Used

Dear Feeling Used: Relationships operate using their own sort of currency. And, just like with money, you and your girlfriend each need to invest in the relationship, with a goal of long-term gain.

In your case, you tolerate behavior you don’t want to tolerate, feel resentful about it and then wonder how you can fix the dynamic without being honest about it.

If you had started this process when your relationship was in its earlier stages, it would either have been fixed by now, or you might be in a different relationship with someone who shares these values.

Although you should never have to justify being honest about your own feelings, you recently lost your job, and this presents the perfect reason to have “the talk.”

Say, “I know we never spelled this out, but I really need to talk about how we divide our spending when we go out.

“I’ve always spent far more than you on our relationship, and honestly, I’ve resented it but I haven’t said anything.

“Now that my situation has changed, I can’t afford to keep quiet. Can we work together to make our spending more balanced?”