Q: After four years of helping to raise my bonusdaughter, today was the first time I heard the words, “You’re not my mother!” I was appalled. I know I’m not her mother, but I really wasn’t prepared for how hurt it would make me when she said it. I need a good comeback! What’s good ex-etiquette?
A: A comeback implies you are looking for the kind of response that will stop her in her tracks, and I think that may be missing the point.
Her words are a symptom, not the problem itself. Better communication and consistency will be more effective than a snappy reply.
I know when we are faced with a belligerent child, the first thing we want to do is discipline. But don’t immediately blame the child when you hear, “You’re not my parent!”
The adults — and I mean all of them: Mom, Dad and their partners — may be creating a problem without knowing it. It’s a classic communication breakdown, and the child is right in the middle.
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Most of the time, “You’re not my parent!" is a signal that:
1. The bonusparent’s approach is too direct, or it’s too soon for the bonusparent to demonstrate authority.
2. The child’s parent and bonusparent do not consistently uphold their house rules.
3. The rules between the biological parents' homes are inconsistent.
4. All of the above.
Notice how none of the reasons listed references the child. Of course, there are situations where this isn’t the case, but hopefully the following example will better explain my point.
Bonusparent and parent are both working parents. Dad has a 12-year-old daughter. The house rule is no eating in front of the TV, but Dad is tired one night and lets his daughter have something to eat while she watches her favorite show. He gets an emergency work call and has to leave for a short time.
While he is away, the bonusparent comes home from work. Seeing the child eating in front of the TV, she chastises the child for breaking the house rules.
The child’s response? “You’re not my mother!” And then she attempts to explain that “Dad said I could,” which in turn infuriates the bonusparent because she feels like she’s caught right in the middle. This is bound to happen again if not approached differently.
Parents do what Dad did all the time. They’re tired, they're overworked, they want to be their child’s buddy, and they figure, “What the heck, what’s one time going to hurt?” The child thinks it’s great. “Dad is so cool,” and that mean old bonusparent ruins everything.
It could be the same scenario if there is inconsistency between the biological parents' homes. The child goes back and forth, the parents are inconsistent, and rather than “You’re not my parent!” you hear, “Mom lets me do it.” Those words are equally as frustrating. Symptom, not the problem.
The answer is that the parent figures must get on the same page ASAP and remain consistent, or they are all setting themselves — and the child — up for failure. All the parents must unite and be on the same page. No one said this was going to be easy. It’s hard work, but that’s good ex-etiquette.
