Dear Amy: I have known my husband for almost 40 years. We’ve been married for 30 years.
I am trying to become healthier in body and mind. I practice yoga, and I am evolving and growing.
My husband chooses to do nothing to take care of his body; he eats whatever whenever he wants, and has always chosen to be sedentary.
He just retired due to health issues (and his age). I’ve just retired, also.
He doesn’t choose to go places.
We live on a large property, and even though he uses a cane, he could still at least go out to his garage or onto our porch, but he chooses not to.
I have literally begged him to give me my space, since we both worked throughout all of our marriage until now.
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I am now battling depression and anxiety.
I took my marriage very seriously and I don’t want it to end.
I have suggested counseling, and I attend therapy sessions on my own a few times a year, but he wants nothing to do with that and tells me that I need fixin.
I still love him, but I don’t feel confident that our marriage or my sanity will endure. Help!
— Loving Mother and Wife
Dear Loving Mother: Even though he meant it unkindly, your husband has halfway arrived at a bit of wisdom. You might not need “fixing” as much as he does, but you deserve fixing, and of the two of you, you are the one most likely to receive it and to benefit from it .
Contact the counselor you have seen previously and immediately set up a virtual appointment for an assessment. While this retirement phase might have been challenging in normal times, right now you are likely being denied some of the important social and familial connections that would be helpful to you.
You should try to establish a daytime routine similar to the one you had while working, if possible. If you can’t have privacy inside your home, you should head to the porch another part of your large property and set up your own space where you can keep “office hours,” and work on your yoga, meditation or other creative pursuits. Look online for “she sheds” to see if you might be able to create an actual retreat space that is yours alone. Make sure you talk to at least one friend or family member each day.
You notice I haven’t mentioned your husband...? I can’t “fix” him. You can’t either, and whatever flows from that tough reality you should be strong and healthy.
Dear Amy: I am very much on the fence about attending a family reunion in another state. The news seems to be changing every day regarding whether or not it is safe to gather, and my decision about whether to go changes every day, too.
Can you weigh in?
— Fence Sitter
Dear Sitter: Every time I start thinking about traveling again, I read another story about gatherings where people seem to be taking precautions, and yet somehow contract and spread the virus.
I think this is one time when you should follow the age-old dictum: Better safe than sorry.
