You say your house is so underwater that it's sleeping with the fishes?
And the last raise you got was during the Clinton administration?
And your health-care costs are going through the roof, and there's no way you'll ever be able to get that rotten tooth pulled?
And you'd tear up your credit cards if you didn't still owe so much on them - at interest rates that used to be enforced with a baseball bat?
And the last time you tried to finance anything more expensive than a kumquat, the banker laughed in your face?
Is that your problem, friend?
No use looking for help from any of the politicians you voted for last time around. They're all pointing fingers at one another while assuming the classic deer-in-the-headlights position.
People are also reading…
Nope, there's only one way to get this country back on track: Nigeria. Or maybe it's Ghana.
At any rate, it's one of those sub-Saharan countries where the average annual income is less than $1,000.
Despite that, these countries always seem to have money to give to Americans. Oodles of it.
Why just the other day, I was promised a cool $1.5 million. And all I had to do was send along $97 for "security keeping."
I know, I know. Never send money to someone who's offering a cash prize. Or has a less than passing knowledge of the king's English. Sample:
"Good day. I have register your Bank Draft. but the manager of Africa Bank told me that before the check will get to you that it will expire.
"So i told him to cash $1,500,000. All the necessary arrangement of delivering the $1,500,000 in cash was made with United Parcel Service.
"I have paid for the delivering charges. The only money you have to send is $97. I was try to pay for that and they says no due to security reason.
"Note: the UPS don't know the contents of the Box. I registered it as a Box of an family treasure. They don't know it contents money. this is to avoid anything to happen with the box or delaying. don't let them know it contain money OK. Thanks and Remain Blessed. Secretary, steve mark (Esq.)"
Esquire, indeed.
Sigh. Something tells me sweepstakes from Africa aren't going to bail us out of this financial jam, no matter how, um, enticing. So what's left, other than the proverbial lemonade stand?
Click on the Web and you'll find all kinds of moneymaking deals. Most of them run along the lines of: "Send me $49.99 and I will immediately ship you my four-CD package: How you can be a millionaire in 90 days."
You get one guess on how you, too, can become a millionaire.
The Web is also full of more modest moneymaking schemes. Here are a few from www.unusualwaystomakemoney.com:
• Offer up your body for various medical trials - while you're still alive.
• Find diamonds in a parking lot. According to the Web site, parking lots are one of the most common places to find diamonds that have fallen out of their settings.
• Sift through old vacuum cleaner dust. Again, according to this Web site, there's a man in California who takes full cleaner bags from cleaning companies and regularly finds coins and small jewelry among the dust.
• Furniture tester. Believe it or not, some furniture stores hire humans to test their mattresses, dining room sets and recliners.
And you thought there were no good jobs out there.
Bonnie Henry's column appears Sundays and Mondays. Reach her at 573-4179 or at bhenry@azstarnet.com or write to P.O. Box 26807, Tucson 85726.