Dear J.T. & Dale: My co-worker and I have been on the same team for four years. We work really well together. However, lately I’ve noticed her attitude has changed toward me. She isn’t as kind or laid-back as she was before. I can’t think of anything I’ve done to upset her. I even asked if everything was OK, and she said it was fine.
How do I tell her that I don’t like how the relationship has changed without offending her? — Simone
J.T.: I think you’ve answered your own question. I would set up a meeting and say, “Look I don’t want to offend you, but I’m concerned because I feel like our relationship has changed and I really miss the relationship that we had. Is there something that I did or something we can discuss to make things feel more like they used to be?”
Share with her that it’s very hard for you to have this conversation, but you care so much about the relationship that it’s worth asking. Perhaps she’s just waiting for you to offer the chance to open up about what’s really wrong.
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That said, be ready: You might not like what you hear; so take it all in, and give yourself some time to process it before you respond. Hopefully, you can work things out.
DALE: Sound advice, although I’ve learned never to open a conversation with “I don’t want to offend you” — doing so is to watch the other person’s deflection shield go up, alerted to the high likelihood that they are about to be offended.
Rather, wait until you two are somewhere where you can really talk and then announce with great kindness that you have something you want to get your co-worker/friend’s opinion on. (By asking for opinions, you let them know you’re here to learn, not instruct.
Shields down.) Then jump to “I really miss the relationship,” inviting your friend to open up. J.T. is right: Your co-worker may be holding on to some old resentment about you.
However, it may well be that what’s going on isn’t about you but that this friend is carrying a private sorrow. What looks to be coldness is often sadness. And, sadly, coldness just invites more sadness. Here’s a chance for you to break that cycle and be a true friend.
