The following column is the opinion and analysis of the writer.
The screaming smoke alarm drove us through the smoke and fire, out of our burning house, onto the street, coughing, in our robes. I called the the Cactus Flats Fire Department just like Darlene told me to. “Our house is on fire! The whole house! Come quick! ”
I told Darlene what the Fire Chief said. “Wait it out,” he said. “It’ll go out by itself.” Between coughing fits Darlene sobbed. “It’s spreading to all our neighbor’s houses!”
I told Darlene the Chief said, “It’ll be out by spring! Like a miracle.“
Seconds later we saw him on Darlen’s phone holding a press conference. “Sand! It’s a beautiful thing. A lot of people are talking about how sand can help. Try throwing sand on the fire. If that doesn’t work try pouring gasoline on the fire. Long as I can remember I’ve always poured gasoline on fires. Better yet try drinking the gasoline! And spitting it on the fire. That should work. Look into that.”
People are also reading…
At last. A gleaming fire truck, sirens blaring, lights flashing, rolled up to our inferno, followed by the Chief in his pickup.
“I am so glad you showed up. The whole neighborhood is burning. Do something!”
The Fire Chief winced. “I don’t see a fire. It’s way overblown. You’re just doing this to make me look bad.”
As sparks fell on the roof of the assisted living home at the end of our block I shouted at the firefighters, “Where is your fire gear?”
“We don’t have any. Chief said we needed to get our own gear ourselves. Have any you could spare?”
“Like what?”
“Hatchets, gloves, jackets, oxygen units, regulators, helmets, masks, safety boots, pike poles, ladders, extinguishers—”
“You don’t have extinguishers?”
“We were outbid again.”
“Where’s your hose?”
In unison the fire crew shouted, “We got rid of our hoses last year. The new Chief didn’t like the old chief.”
The Chief nodded.
“Or the old chief’s firehoses. Or his readiness drills. Or his manuals. Chief said they were a waste of time. Didn’t you see his tweet?”
The Chief beamed and rocked on his heels.
“Sorry. I haven’t. I’ve been a little busy dodging falling power lines, pulling blazing tree limbs off my neighbors, carrying grandma out of the rubble, giving our cat Tingles CPR, and spraying down Darlene with my neighbor’s garden hose. Our world is on fire and Nero here is fiddling.”
The entire crew froze in fear at my words, stunned into terrified silence by my brazen insult. “Don’t let the Chief hear you say that. Or he won’t help you!”
“Whatever! Buckets?" I asked,”Do you have buckets? There’s a hydrant right over there.”
“Chief says we’re only to use water as a last resort. Says water is over-rated. Main thing is for you to get accustomed to living with the fire. ”
“What?”
The Chief glared at the blaze all around us. “Everybody dies from something. Just distance yourself from the flames.”
Darlene wailed, “We can’t go back in there and go about our day like everything’s fine! ”
The Chief said it was our duty. “Did you know a cow was behind this?”
“No one in Cactus Flats has a cow.”
“A cow knocked over a lantern and started this mess. And my gut tells me it was a Chinese Lantern.”
His crew nodded. As flames jumped from house to shop to factory, the Chief tweeted, “It’s safe to go back in your houses now. The fire is contained!”
Darlene’s jaw dropped. “To what? This hemisphere?” Darlene showed us an “expert” being interviewed on her phone. “Hot spots are reigniting. This fire’s different. Spreads like nothing I’ve ever seen. Tricky. Unpredictable. Should’ve been extinguished hours ago.”
The Chief glared at her phone. “Fake news! Go home.”
“To the one that's on fire?”
“Buy some sand! Wear a barbecue mitt on your tiny head! Drink gasoline! Innovate! We’ll never get back to normal with your do-nothing attitude.”
Darlene dropped to the curb and wept. “Cactus Flats looks like the burning of Atlanta scene from ‘Gone with the Wind’.” She sobbed, ”What’ll we do?”
The Chief told everyone he loved “Gone with the Wind” more than “Birth of a Nation”. “Can’t wait to see it tomorrow at the Cactus Flats Multi-Plex.”
Backlit by the massive inferno that blazed as far as the eye could see the Chief spoke to Phil Wong, a reporter from the “Cactus Flats Tribune” he always mistook for a Native American. “A lot of your people are telling me about this amazing thing called a rain dance. It’s incredible, really. I’m going to create a Rain Dance Task Force my son-in-law, Rufus, can chair.
"And stop lying to your readers. This fire is a hoax. And this hoax is 100% contained.
"And anybody who wanted a fire extinguisher got a fire extinguisher. Although I think fire extinguishers are overrated. You should really look into that Chinese lantern thing.”
