Ask Amy: Emotional affair partner wants 'normalization meetings'

About a year ago, I grew close to a friend and colleague (he is single), slowly at first, but then becoming more and more intimate. There is mutual sexual attraction and we share many of the same interests.

We both knew I was in no position to divorce, as maintaining a stable environment for my young family is my priority. We tried to keep the intensity level low but then the intensity kept returning. We shared a brief physical element.

Eventually, I realized I was not at peace. I ended contact with him. I realized I needed to put the energy I was putting into my emotional relationship back into my marriage. Things are better and I am glad I am working on the marriage. But I know that my husband and I are not really soul mates .

I still have lingering feelings. My friend has been fully understanding .

During one of our last conversations, he said his concern was that we might end up over-romanticizing.

He suggested I consider an occasional “normalizing” meeting: a coffee or lunch in which we remind ourselves that our relationship at its most intense was meaningful but not really realistic.

I am torn. I think I am over-romanticizing. But I am not sure if a “normalizing” meeting would bring my feelings down to earth or simply re-spark the attraction. What should I do?

— Torn

Dear Torn: I think that occasional “normalizing” meetings where you and your friend remind yourselves of the intensity of your romance as a way to move on from it, are the perfect trigger to rekindling the romance.

You claim to already know what you need to know, that your marriage is important to you and that this other relationship interfered with your marriage. Why, then, would you need yet more evidence that this extramarital relationship was not good for you?

In this case, “normalizing” sounds like an intellectually framed rationalization to see one another. I vote no.