Explicit comic speaks her mind

Any chance of postponing until the afternoon? she asked on this cloudy Tuesday morning.

She had double-booked herself, and the interview to promote her Fox Theatre show Friday conflicted with a workout with a personal trainer.

"I'm in Tucson, (bleep)," the 46-year-old veteran insult comic explained. "I'm at Canyon Ranch."

What is she doing at Canyon Ranch?

"Because I'm fabulous and I need to take care of myself," she almost purred, then in her slightly gruff, hold-nothing-back snarl, she added: "Because my body is my temple, and it also fits 300."

In reality, she's at the posh health-club resort to get over a man and focus on Lisa Lampanelli.

Lampanelli, who was among those dishing out blistering insults during Sunday night's roast of Flavor Flav on Comedy Central, peppers her conversations with enough cursing and off-color, politically incorrect quips to make a construction worker blush.

Just how is she fitting in in an environment where the rich are pampered and their every need is met?

Pretty well, actually.

Lampanelli arrived at Tucson's Canyon Ranch in June. She planned to stay there through September, leaving on weekends for concert dates across the country.

"When I come here, it's my home away from home," she said in an interview in late July. Here's a transcript of that interview.

Why are you staying at Canyon Ranch?

"Because I'm fabulous, and I need to take care of myself. Because my body is my temple, and it also fits 300. The first time I came here was March 1 to forget a boy that I was dating. . . . Very dramatic. And then I kept going back to him. And I was like, 'Oh, my God, I've got to go get rich again!' and I kept escaping here. I was like, (bleep) it, I'm going for the whole summer just to treat myself and to be fabulous.

"So now I'm getting all in shape, which for me means that I can walk up an entire flight of stairs by the end of the summer. I'm eating well, which means really healthy food, 12 times a day. Getting in touch with my spiritual nature, which means going to the taro card reader so she can tell me exactly what I'm supposed to do to spend more money at Canyon Ranch."

Did they give you a discount because you are staying all summer?

"Gosh yes. I'm an honorary Jew. Of course they did."

Is it filled with fabulously rich people?

"Yeah. It's horrible. I hate the guests, but I love the staff. The staff is awesome people, these 18-year-old kids trying to make money for beer. But then there's these (bleeps) who come — and I would say only 90 percent are (bleeps) — spending their husbands' money. But occasionally I bump into really cool people who come to work on themselves."

What's your average day there?

"For everybody else, it seems to be exercising. Not for me. For me, I will get up and eat three meals a day 'cause, hey, it's given to you. Might as well get everything you're worth, like the good Jew that I am. I go for a two-mile walk, but at a really slow pace. But just moving my ass is better than what I do in New York, which is nothing. Then of course I'm hungry again and I'll do lunch. I'll go to my personal trainer and cry. And he'll have to yell at me, and I get off on that because he's cute. Then I do work in my room because I am here for the summer so I have to do work. I'll check my MySpace about 800 times to distract me from actually doing any real spiritual growth. Because I would rather read, 'You're so funny, you (bleep)' than actually work on getting in touch with God."

It sounds fabulous.

"It's really good for me. I get to focus on just me. I've been rescuing these stray dogs, boyfriends, for 40 years."

So are you giving up guys?

"For a year. I'm working on me. . . . Let's be honest, I'm a fabulously wealthy celebrity, beautiful woman, have billions of dollars, Canyon Ranch for the summer and I'm attracting potheads with no checking account and an ugly cat. What the hell! And I'm great in the sack. What do I get from them? A rash and chapped lips. Great! On Valentine's Day, my guy got me a yeast infection and a pinched nerve in my neck. Thank you! So basically, I think alone for now is how Lisa Lampanelli has to be."

So, Lisa, how old are you now?

"Just turned 46 last week."

You're probably the only one there who hasn't had plastic surgery.

"My manager would kill me. . . . It's this huge degree of self-hate, I think. There's this school of thought that if it's readily available, you might as well do it. Well — you know what? — bulimia is readily available. Should you do that? No. Should you shoot the smack? No. My feeling is, like yourself. Figure it out.

"The only thing I do do that's totally fake, which I love, is I got a hair extension. It's expensive, but who cares. It doesn't hurt anybody. . . . But my hair — Oh, my God! It totally makes me feel younger."

Well, it's working; you look great.

"I look (bleep) fantastic! . . . I have the best stylist in the world. She's like a magician."

Tell me some of your observations of Tucson since you're a temporary Tucsonan.

"I went to a bar called Maloney's one night. That was fun. It was really cool people, but not a lot of college students were there yet so we didn't feel too old. I'm going to go to the La something mall that I heard is rockin'. What's the mall, the big classy one?"

La Encantada?

"Yes! I have to go there because from what I hear there's Prada and Gucci. And as a person who's recently wealthy, that's what I have to spend my money on because I don't have kids."

So how are you recently wealthy?

"Did you not see my schedule? I'm playing every theater in the country. What do you think I do?"

Last time you were here, you played at the Rialto. On Aug. 17, you're playing the Fox Theatre and you're being presented by Live Nation.

"Now I'm exclusive with Live Nation and Outback, which are the biggest concert promoters in the world, in the universe. It's cool. It's stepped up. It's because of all those roasts. It adds up. Then Howard Stern, thank God. Pretty much 50 percent of my tickets are Howard Stern fans because I'm on there so much. Which is the best. So yeah, man, thank God. But I just love wasting money so that's why I'm going to go to these places and buy another purse I'll use once and throw in a closet."

You can throw it in an envelope and send it to me.

"There you go. You're my new charity. You're my Make-A-Wish kid."

I'm just kidding. So when are you going to La Encantada?

"I'll try to go this week. I'll probably get so bored here working on myself. Really, money can buy happiness, so I'm going to exercise that principle here. (Bleep) all this self-help. I'm sick of it."

Next time you should really come here when it's snowing in New York.

"This was the timing that I had to get the hell out of New York. And it's so gross in New York, too, with the heat and humidity. Here at least it's just so hot. I can walk in 120 degrees and not give a (bleep)."

But are you missing the amenities of New York?

"No, because they kiss your ass at Canyon Ranch. They get you whatever you want. You mention it, it's in your room. Trust me, there's nothing to miss in New York right now."

What are some of the things on your "Not to Be Missed in Tucson" list?

"Ah, nothing. I will try to bang at least one Hispanic because you almost grow them here, right, they're like an hour away? I'll have to knock off a bellman or a busboy. . . . Tucson is a little, airy, fairy, flaky for Lisa Lampanelli, so three months is all I can dig."

So are you going to be talking about your Canyon Ranch adventures at your Tucson show?

"God, no. Who wants to hear it? They'll all be jealous of me. I'm going to hide all these things because if my audience ever knew that I was praying and into all this spirituality and going to (co-dependency) meetings, they'd be like, 'She's a fake. You're supposed to be talking about banging blacks.' So I'll stick with my insult comic stuff."

When you came to Canyon Ranch, did people know who you are?

"The people who know me are the staff because they're all young. So they watch Comedy Central, they know the roasts. But they're not allowed to say hi. They can't go up to anybody and go, 'Hi, I really enjoy your work,' because a lot of celebs come here — like Bette Midler and Diana Ross — and they want to be left alone. Me, on the other hand, I'm a whore for getting recognized. I get recognized so rarely that when they tell me, I want to (bleep) write a letter to my mother. . . . But you know who did recognize me is Gene Simmons' wife. Shannon Tweed, his wife, comes up to me and says, 'Is that my husband's favorite comic?' And I'm like, 'Yes it is.'

"I get recognized somewhat. But you oughta see what we look like here. I've never had my hair down, I've always had a hat on. I always have sunglasses just because it's (bleep) hot. We're all sweaty and gross. It's like, nah. Better that they don't see the real goods, you know, they might all go crazy and kill themselves because they can't have me."

So you live in Manhattan?

"No, I just moved to Connecticut because I'm classy."

That's because you're rich.

"I'm rich, bitch, I'm like a Kennedy. I'm tellin' you. You don't understand the power."

I'm like the Kennedys' gardener. So what's coming up, a sitcom? Reality show?

"No, no reality show. . . . My manager is definitely geared toward pitching another sitcom idea. I had a deal with Fox, and they didn't pick up the show. But now that there's more attention on me because of the roasts and everything, networks are more interested now. But I'm so not really into it. If I get it, I get it. If I don't, I don't. My whole thing is I want to be live. All I care about is the live shows. . . . If I could do my whole career and sell 2,000 seats a night without one more TV appearance, I would be like, great. But you gotta stay out there. I like the roasts. I like Stern. I can't imagine a sitcom. But if I get one, I'll have to do it. It's stupid to not."

Your days of doing little comedy clubs are pretty much over, aren't they?

"I haven't done a club in over a year. Oh, my God, if I had to go back to that, I would just quit altogether and go to work at Kinko's. Playing a comedy club versus a theater is totally different. Clubs, it's too hard. It's too many days for too little money. I hope it keeps going like this."

So would you ever consider returning to your roots as a music journalist?

"No. Look at what you make? Your $15,000 salary just doesn't appeal to me. I would rather retire and make nothing. I would rather knock off my parents, live in their home and eat all day. They'll have to cut me out of the house at 800 pounds like that fat (bleep) on Oprah."

You've just elevated my self-worth to levels you can't imagine.

"Ah, cool. I'm so glad that I can do good works for you. I am Mother Teresa, aren't I."

Outside of your refuge here, are you planning any cool vacations this summer?

"I think this is a pretty good $100,000 vacation. It's really weird, though. Every week there's fresh flowers in my room. Wow, they really think I have money. I've given them my whole life savings, and they think it's going to happen again. Joke's on you, stupid."

Do you still operate under the disclaimer that if you offend easily, stay home?

"Yeah, get the (bleep) out. I'd rather play for 30 people who understand it than 2,000 who don't."

Did you have a good show last time you were here?

"Oh, I remember some guy asking me to propose to his wife for him. It was so cute, and they got married and sent me pictures. I usually don't do that stuff, but it was a smallish audience and it was so cute. Ah, that's love. I swear to God I'm such a romantic."

Well, it's so nice that you're a temporary Tucsonan during our lovely monsoon season.

"I know. It's wild. You have a really freaky rain system here. But do you know how (bleep) up people in Tucson are? They are like, 'You're so lucky you're here in monsoon season.' They like it."

Yeah, but do you know why?

"Because you're (bleep) stupid."

No. This is the only time all year it rains.

"They're all happy about it. I'm like, alright, whatever (bleep)."

When it rained yesterday, the entire newsroom was on the patio mesmerized. They acted like they had never seen water falling from the sky.

"OK, you are all officially retarded in Tucson. I hope you know that. It made me laugh. These people acted like it was a treat. Whatever, you nutty (bleep)."

Well, Lisa, enjoy your lap of luxury at Canyon Ranch. I'll let you get back to your workout. I'm sure you're planning a run today.

"How did you know? You're awesome."

Lisa Lampanelli

• Presented by: Live Nation.

• When: 8 p.m. Friday.

• Where: Fox Theatre, 17 W. Congress St.

• Tickets: $32.75, through the box office, 547-3040.