Dr. Barton Goldsmith: Expressing emotions is a beneficial skill

Most people worry that they won’t say the right thing or that they will be misunderstood. There also is a fear of rejection, especially if you are going to express feelings in your heart for someone you care about. Even those who have been in very long-term relationships can get tongue-tied when trying to express what they deeply feel.

Many times in couples therapy, one or the other client will tell me how they feel about their partner, and I will look at them and say, “Say it to each other, not to me,” and ask them to hold hands and look into each other’s eyes when they speak from their hearts. That alone can make things flow more easily (after you get past the initial squirminess).

Expressing your emotions in a proper way is an important tool in so many aspects of life, especially in relationships. By not sharing what is going on for you with the people who matter most, you’re holding back yourself and your joy.

Developing this skill doesn’t require couples therapy, though it may be easier to express your true feelings when you are with someone you don’t know all that well. This is because when you are expressing yourself with a neutral third party, your chances of being judged are minimized, and you have an ally in creating some tools for your self-growth. But I encourage you to do the best you can to talk one on one with the person you care about most. It doesn’t have to be perfect; it just has to be good enough. Create an environment that makes it easy for your partner to hear you. Dedicate at least an hour or two to the conversation, and say how you truly feel.

Start out by saying that talking about feelings is difficult for you, because you are afraid you might get rejected or say the wrong thing and look stupid, but with some patience on both your parts, this may be the best conversation the two of you have ever had. When two people are really listening to each other, the validation goes very deep and your connection increases simply by doing what comes naturally. To have someone to share your secrets and fears with is a great gift, and it lifts a burden from your own heart as well, because you no longer have to carry that internal baggage all by yourself.

No one knows what the future holds, so it’s best to keep the conversation in the here and now as much as possible. As long as you are talking, you have the ability to make changes and to strengthen the bond between you. So who wants to go first?