Marilyn Heins: Love and attention without distraction are vital for kids

Dr. Heins thinks they are very much the same thing and the movie script hit the nail on the head!

Many years ago, I wrote about the Three Parenting Vitamin A’s. They, like all vitamins, are essential “nutrients” that children need in order to thrive. They must be supplied by a parent.

The first Parenting Vitamin A, is AFFECTION, the unconditional love a parent has for his or her child. ACCEPTANCE is the realization that every child comes into this world with a personality and temperament that you must learn to work with, because you’re not going to change them. Both of these are pretty easy to provide.

ATTENTION, undivided and completely focused, is hard to find time for. I am convinced it has never been harder to provide undivided attention than it is today.

The digital revolution has dramatically changed the way we live, and new undreamt of technologies will keep changing our lives. Mr. Google just informed me that nearly 9 out of 10 Americans are online. The number of smartphone users in the world is forecast to grow from 2.1 billion in 2016 to around 2.5 billion in 2019. The number of all mobile phone users in the world is expected to pass the 5 billion mark by 2019!

Thomas Friedman, the New York Times columnist, wrote a column, “The Age of Interruption” after a trip to a rain forest where there was no internet or cellphone service. He spent four days totally disconnected and reported it was “cleansing” to be released from what has been described as “continuous partial attention.”

Continuous partial attention describes what I am doing now: typing, a phone on my shoulder waiting for a live person, wondering if my old forgetful dog needs to be taken out. This is called multi-tasking and it means I am paying only partial attention to three tasks, one of which is meeting the needs of a living creature that I am responsible for.

Friedman eloquently describes our journey: “We have gone from the Iron Age to the Industrial Age to the Age of Interruption” and wonders whether this will lead to a decline in civilization as our attention spans decrease further.

I wonder and worry about the effects of partial attention on children and on all relationships. Is it even possible to be an attentive parent or spouse/partner while answering a cellphone or texting?

Parents have never paid attention to their child or spouse 100 percent of the time. This is an unrealistic expectation and even if it were possible, children need self-time. We all do.

Some tasks like cooking and cleaning can be done with half a mind and one eye on the kids. But the ubiquitous gadgets we all use have changed our attention levels and priorities.

My mother worked at home as a commercial artist. When she was in her tiny studio, my sister and I knew she could not be interrupted unless it was important. But my mother was there. She took breaks and balanced work with time with us. When we were needy and she had a deadline, she gave us special pencils and paper and we sat on the floor outside the studio playing artist.

Today, everybody is connected, not to others although we tell ourselves that we are, but to a gadget. Our gadgets beep, flash and vibrate. We quickly answer. Instead of weighing what is important, we turn to the phone. I see people in public places interrupt a conversation with a child or adult to obey the phone’s command. We do the urgent before we do the important, which is pretty dumb.

How do children fit into all this? It’s rude when a person obeys the beep or texts in the middle of a face-to-face conversation with anyone. I have seen young children get a sad look on their face when Mommy starts playing with her phone. Why? Because Mommy is totally absorbed elsewhere. It is a kind of “sibling rivalry” with a rival made of metal and plastic.

Everybody, children and spouse alike, need our UNDIVIDED ATTENTION, not every minute, but for sometime every day.

What is undivided attention? You are face to face, close to each other, in a quiet place (no TV or music), making eye contact and conversation.

Above all you are “disconnected” (no cellphone or computer to distract you). Sometimes there will be an agenda. Sometimes you just want to be close and connected. Sometimes one or both of you feel “the world is too much with us” as the poet Wordsworth said.

My children and I called this “special time.” Start with a big hug. If the child doesn’t start talking, you start. Tell the child how good it feels to be together with no one else and no distractions. Ask your child what he or she is thinking about. Share some stories about when you were little. If a sibling is clamoring for your attention, use a timer to ensure equal time.

If you are listening to the call of your gadgets during the time you are think you are giving your child or spouse undivided attention, you are not providing the most important thing: The Parenting Vitamin. Turn the damn things off!