We survived "Baby on Board." We'll survive this.
I'm talking about those stick-figure family decals that have popped up on the back windows of every third vehicle registered in Pima County.
You know, the ones that practically scream, "Look at us. We're so perfect," what with "Mom," "Dad," "Jonah," "Micah" and, of course, "Spot," our stick-figure dog, "Oscar," our stick-figure cat, and maybe "Spike," our stick-figure goldfish.
When I'm waiting for the light to change during the third revolution at Grant and Craycroft roads during rush hour, this is the last thing I want to see. Unless, perhaps, Oscar is devouring Spike.
Oh, don't send me your e-mails saying how mean-spirited and anti-family I am.
Of course I am — not the anti-family part, just the mean-spirited part.
People are also reading…
Hey, you started it, what with your smug assertions plastered all over your back windows.
Did you ever think that maybe the driver behind you is a single mom whose ex-husband ran off with his massage therapist? Or maybe it's someone whose teenage son just got hauled into juvenile court.
No, of course not.
What we have here is the shorthand version of the smarmy Christmas letter that brags about the family — not with long-winded accounts but with stick figures.
Speaking of those stick figures, apparently you can modify them a bit.
Dad comes with a crew cut, curly head or straight hair.
Mom comes in the ever-popular June Cleaver model, complete with coifed hair and apron. Yes, apron.
Or for you more modern moms, there's one in jeans, with either long, straight hair or long, curly hair.
Same for your daughter: straight or curly hair, jeans or dress.
And sons come curly-headed, mop-headed, crew-cutted or straight-haired. One even comes with baseball cap, bill fashionably hovering above the left ear.
As for pets, you have your choice of dog, cat, turtle, rabbit, fish, parrot, pony or frog. Yes, frog.
What, no hamsters?
For those who can't make a choice, say, between an apron for Mom or crew cut for Dad, you can have symbols instead, such as graduated sizes of boots, flip-flops, even palm trees.
("But Mom, I don't wanna be a palm tree.")
("OK, Joshua. How about if we all become flip-flops instead?")
Just wait until little Joshua is 15. The last thing he wants is to be spotted in a minivan wearing little-boy shorts and a goofy grin.
No matter. For by then, this thing will have run its course, thanks to good, old American cynicism and satire.
Just as "Baby on Board" degenerated into "Mother-in-Law in Trunk," and "My Child is an Honor Student" was answered with "My Child Can Beat Up Your Honor Student," this, too, shall pass.
Maybe we will have a stick-figure kitty swallowing the gold fish. Or stick-figure kids pulling each others' hair.
Let's see Dad asleep in the Barcalounger, fingers still gripping the remote control.
Or Mom getting into a little fender bender while yakking on her cell phone.
I tell ya, it can't happen soon enough.
For coming soon to a neighborhood near you are stick figure families for your mailbox.
At least only the mailman has to stare at these from behind the wheel.
● To order Bonnie Henry's "Tucson Memories," call 573-4417. The book is $39.95 plus tax, shipping and handling.
