‘My ex-husband and I share joint custody (girl 10, boy 8). He bought a house near his parents and when he is going out of town he takes the children to stay with the grandparents. Their grandmother says terrible things about me. She disrespects me and tells hurtful lies. She tells them stories from my childhood that are none of her business to tell.
“When I complained to my ex that this is hurting the kids and me too he says his mom always talks a lot and it’s her house so she can say what she wants. Can I ask the court to order that if ex is out of town the children must stay with me? How do I protect my children from all this negativity? The divorce is hard enough on them without this on top of it.”
Asking the courts is a legal matter and your question should be directed to a family lawyer. However, shared custody ideally is made as easy as possible for the children. The routine should be adhered to as much as possible so there is stability in their lives. How would any of us feel if we had to move our stuff and ourselves every week? Or if the schedule were changed arbitrarily or frequently?
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Divorce is never easy when children are involved. Dr. Heins preaches her “Divorce Vows” to parents (see parentkidsright.com/vows/). Your marriage vows have become irrelevant but divorce vows can protect your children.
The first kid-sparing vow is “For the sake of our children whom we both love we promise to love them so much that we will never put them in the middle, will never badmouth the other parent, will never ask our children to take sides or carry messages of anger or grief back and forth.”
Also “We promise to treat each other with respect and talk about each other with respect when the children are present, to avoid squabbling in front of the children, to stay civil and talk nicely to each other.”
Ideally, a divorce is amicable. Before it happens (or before one parent leaves) both parents explain to the children in a way they can understand the reasons for the divorce. They add that the divorce is not the children’s fault and both parents will always love and take care of them.
Parents, with the aid of counseling if necessary, must continue to speak and email each other civilly and with the best interests and well-being of the children always kept in mind. If so, this father would have made a casual phone call or sent an email: “Hey, I have to be out of town next week, can you take the kids? Or can we switch days?”
However, even if the children do not stay with their grandparents when the father is out of town, they will and should visit them. All children need as many loving and attentive adults as possible in their lives.
This leads me to point out that no grandmother should ever talk disrespectfully about her grandchildren’s mother. A child’s bond to the mother, even if she has flaws, is so strong that negative remarks about her can hurt the child to the quick.
When there is a divorce, Grandma’s negative words about the mother place another “I-feel-torn-apart” burden on the children who are already struggling with the loss of their intact family and home. They often must get used to another home, a new neighborhood, a new school. I shudder to think what this is like for a child.
What can you do about this mess? Make another attempt to talk to your ex-husband about this burden on his children. Show him this column and ask him to recognize what his mother’s words are doing to his children. It may or may not work.
Take the moral high ground here. Tell your children that you know family connections are important, so important that even though they are only children they have a grown-up job to do. They have to understand that Grandma may tell stories that are not true and may hurt their feelings, but they still must be respectful to her.
Try not to be defensive. Don’t feel you must correct everything she says about you. That might put more emphasis on her stories than they warrant. Rather show your children that you are a loving mother no matter what people say. Let the kids figure out for themselves what is true about you and learn the grown-up art of changing the subject to talk about school or sports
Also work very hard to speak respectfully about your children’s father. The last thing you want to do is add to your children’s burden. Repeat the following mantra frequently: “Both your father and I will always love you and take care of you even though we live apart now.”
A word to grandparents out there who are “going through a divorce” with their children and grandchildren. Divorce hurts. A divorce hurts everybody involved and that includes grandparents. It is natural to take sides in any battle and, sadly, many if not most divorces are battles.
Please recognize that the ones hurting the most are your adorable grandchildren, the apples of your eye. They love both of their parents and they love you guys, too. Don’t do or say anything that will hurt them. Refraining from hurting those we love is a big part of what it means to be a human being.
Counseling could help everybody, parents and grandparents alike. These children are lucky to have both parents and a set of grandparents living in the same area. Wouldn’t it be great if the parents and grandparents all learned to act civilly? Then they could be a team to help these vulnerable children deal with the trauma of divorce?
Dr. Heins is a pediatrician, parent, grandparent, great-step grandparent, and the founder and CEO of ParentKidsRight.com. She welcomes your questions about parenting throughout the life cycle, from birth to great-grandparenthood! Email info@ParentKidsRight.com.