A study from Boston University found that during the pandemic, in-person bullying and cyberbullying decreased as more schools embraced remote learning.
For parents of elementary school-age children, this situation may sound familiar: Your child returns home and bursts into tears while sharing that a peer is being a bully. Your heart sinks, and then your inner protective-parent mode begins to gear up for retaliation. You might even start planning how you’ll teach that bully a lesson.
Instead, pause and remember that your child needs you right then and there. Parents unfortunately cannot stop bullies from crossing paths with their children, but they can equip their children with tools to manage bullying experiences themselves. Here are three key tips to help you support your children.
Validate first
Before you do anything else, start with validation. Validation acknowledges how a child is feeling without agreeing or disagreeing with the emotional experience. Validating your child’s feelings shows that you hear your child, helps reduce the intensity of your child’s distress and creates space for more conversation.
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You can acknowledge that the bullying made your child sad, mad or worried. Although your heart understandably may ache and pull you toward trying to make the pain go away, it’s important to send a message that the emotions are helpful and not hurtful to have. Avoid phrases such as, “The bully’s opinion doesn’t matter” or “Don’t cry and let that bully get to you.” Even though they come with good intentions, they communicate that your child’s feelings are invalid or should not be expressed.
Teach antibullying tools
After you have validated your child’s experience, you can let them know that you are proud of them for sharing this with you. By doing so, you help reinforce that it’s important for your child to let an adult know about events like these, and that it’s safe to share how they are feeling.
Next, you can ask your child if they want to talk about it. After listening, ask if they would like to hear some ideas to help with the bullying. This approach gives your child space to decline until they’re ready to hear the information. When children are ready, it can be helpful for them to understand why some people might bully. You could say, “Although this does not take away the sting of the bullying, sometimes it can be helpful to learn that those who bully usually do not feel very good about themselves. They bully to try to make others feel smaller or worse than they feel.”
You can use the analogy of a dog begging for food at the dinner table (just be sure to explain the dog is not a bully and you’re not comparing another child to an animal). If you keep giving the dog food, the dog will keep coming back to the dinner table. If you don’t give the dog food, it will eventually learn to spend your family dinners elsewhere.
The same goes for bullies seeking attention. Bullies want to see you get mad, sad or worried. If you do not talk to, look at or show them they are bothering you in the slightest, over time they will realize that you are not going to give them what they want and will leave you alone. Even though it will be tempting to say something in response to the bully, it’s important not to give the bully any attention.
One important exception: If a bully is being physical, let your child know that they should walk away and tell an adult at school to help keep them safe. You can add that your child also should tell an adult if they ever see someone else being hurt by a bully.
Parents can inform school staff members so that staff can monitor interactions between your child and the bully, especially if the bully is being physical with your child. Even if you choose to do this, it also is important to teach your children how to support themselves in these situations.
StopBullying.gov offers tools for parents and children to help prevent and address bullying of all kinds, including cyber-bullying.
You can also visit the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry website for answers to frequently asked questions about bullies and bullying.
Practice makes progress
Help your child feel more confident in using the tools you teach them by engaging in roleplays. For younger children, you can use dolls, action figures or puppets to have characters practice not giving the bully attention and seeking help from staff members when needed.
You also can use the toys to demonstrate different scenarios, and ask your child questions to test their understanding. For example, you could have a doll, after being called names, hit the other doll. Next, ask your child what they think would happen. Would the bully get the attention they want? Could your child get in trouble? When the answer is not in line with the child’s goal, ask what they could do instead. For example, they could pretend not to hear the bully, turn to another classmate and start a different conversation.
For older children, you can roleplay nonphysical scenarios and describe physical ones.
In addition to supporting your children at home, it may be helpful for your child to meet with a mental health provider, either at school, if available, or privately.
These meetings can offer your child additional support and a safe space to share what is happening. Bullying is never acceptable, and these tools can empower your children to safely and successfully take a stand.
Jacqueline Sperling, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist on the faculty at Harvard Medical School.
There are no magic wands or supplements to maintain a strong immune system. But here are six practical steps for boosting your child’s immune system from Claire McCarthy of Harvard Health Publications:
6 practical steps to boost your child’s immune system
Give them a healthy diet
By “healthy” I mean a diet with lots of fruits and vegetables. Provide five servings a day, and these portions should take up half of every meal plate.
A healthy diet also has whole grains, lean protein, dairy or another source of calcium, and healthy fats, like vegetable oils.
The foods to ideally avoid or at least limit are processed foods, foods with added sugar and foods with saturated fats.
If you have a child who refuses vegetables or otherwise has a limited diet, a multivitamin with iron may make sense; talk to your doctor about whether vitamins or supplements are a good idea for your child.
Make sure kids get enough sleep
The amount of sleep a child needs varies by age (from 12 to 16 hours a day for infants to eight to 10 hours for teens) and also from child to child (some just need more than others).
You can encourage healthy sleep by limiting screens. Devices really should be shut off an hour or two before bedtime and preferably not be in the bedroom at night — and keep to a regular schedule.
Get them active
Sleep, diet, stress and physical activity all contribute to your child’s overall health.
Exercise keeps us healthy and less likely to get sick. It’s recommended that children be active for at least an hour a day.
“Active” doesn’t have to mean playing a sport or going to the gym; it could be playing at the playground or going for a walk.
Manage stress
Stress makes us less healthy and more prone to infection. Make sure that kids have downtime to play and access to activities and people that make them happy (or whatever version of that the pandemic allows).
Spend time together as a family, and create opportunities for your children to talk about anything that might be worrying them.
Get up to date on vaccines
Check with your doctor to see if your child is up to date on immunizations. The flu shot is recommended yearly for everyone 6 months or older.
Don’t forget the simple precautions
Everyone in the family can take simple precautions to help stay healthy. Wash your hands. Cover your coughs and sneezes with your elbow. Keep distance from sick people to the extent that you can.
Dr. Claire McCarthy is an assistant professor in pediatrics at Harvard Medical School and a senior faculty editor at Harvard Health Publishing.
