Here lie 47 epitaphs written by readers in the 90s

The results — 47 of them ran in print on Oct. 31, 1991 — are simultaneously funny, strange, sad and just chock full of terrible jokes and puns.

Some themes that emerged: Husband and Wife epitaphs, smoking and dieting popped up several times, puns — so many puns, legendary Tucson weatherman Michael Goodrich in a cameo (!), a newspaper subscription joke (!!). 

Enjoy the full original story below. 

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Famous last words when it's time to 'check out'

Thursday, October 31, 1991

Southern Arizonans seem to agree: Rest In Peace is boring on tombstones. Our readers weren't exactly dying to tell us what they really wanted, but once they got started it was hard to settle on just one. Tucsonan Barry Roublick submitted 22. 

Read on to find how they'd get in the last word.

My husband and I would have: 

His: Finally

Hers: It's About Time

- Jean Shocklee

I Said, "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep," But This Is Ridiculous!

- Dick Eades

It's Been Fun But Now It's Time To Go

- Jim Smith

Husband and wife epitaph:

Husband:

Being Of Sound Mind, I Spent All My Money!

Wife:

Being Of Sound Mind, I Helped Him!

- Ken and Joan Amsler

May this serve as a warning to procrastinators everywhere: 

She Was Too Late Too Often

Inspired by an old churchyard epitaph:

A Party Mouse With Gourmet Tastes

Once Came to Dine On Cheese;

Alas He Found Some Brie Fondue

Did More Than Palate Tease.

- Denise C. Melnick

My "final" chance to say the LAST word, which would probably be the only thing anyone noticed through my entire life: 

This is IT??

- Shirlee M. Davis

Thin At Last

- Nancy Groth

At a cemetery in Charleston, S.C., is the following:

Stranger, View This Grave

As You Pass By; As You Are Now,

So Once Was I.

As I Am Now So Must You Be,

So Prepare Yourself To Follow Me.

A wag added:

To Follow You I'm Not Content

Unless I Know Which Way You Went!

- Margaret Bess

I own a little cafe/convenience store and have a cup for my all-day sipping. It has a "right" place, but gets moved a lot, too.

Where's My

Coffee Cup?

- Mary Frances Clinton, Hereford

Now You Lay Me Down To Sleep

Hope To All That They Will Weep.

But If They Don't I Don't Care,

Because Life Can Be Unfair.

- Angelique P. Arcala, age 14

I am 82 and looking forward to many more, but when I do go — after many not too easy years — all I want is credit — therefore, the truest expression I can feel good with is: 

I Tried

- M.R. Venn, Bisbee

I Quit Smoking

- Jane H. Ettesvold

Here Lies Brenda

Return to Senda!

- Brenda Radford

We've laughed for years over this. My spinster aunt suggested her stone say:

R.U.P.

Return Unopened

- Joy Bizik

By The Sewer I Lived

By The Sewer I Died.

They Said It Was Murder,

But It Was Sewercide.

- Sharon A. Nail

I've been saying this for years and now I really mean it:

Enough Already!

- Lillian Dobkin, Green Valley

As an avid reader, I think this would put a few smiles on my family's faces:

You Can Cancel

My Subscriptions

- Mary Ann Graver

A person who died in a four-way stop collision:

But I Was There First

- Mikki Robins

Body donated to medical school:

Rest In Pieces

- Charles A. Blackburn

I find myself contemplating this message quite often:

Next Stop?

- Tron Valentine

Have Tap Shoes — 

Will Entertain!

- Helen Hennings

Charley the Baker

The Loaf He Didn't Knead

- J.E. Begley

R.I.P.

Curly Que

The Hairdresser

She Was A Cut Up

All Her Life.

Then She Dyed.

- Meridith Little

It Was Fun 

While It Lasted,

Too Bad I Didn't

Mary Jo LeBlanc

1959 Until I Lasted

- Mary Jo LeBlanc

Here Lies Lorraine Leyhane

Singing With The Angels,

Or Barbecuing With The Devil?

- Lorraine Quinn

One Doesn't Know, Until One 

Goes —

Thank God.

No More X-rays,

No More Blood Work,

No More Bedpans —

Just Peace And Quiet,

Amen.

- Lorraine Quinn

This Is Absolutely

My Last Address

- E.J. Vandiver, Bisbee

Now I Can Finally Get A Nap!

- Davis Palmer

Sorry Boys, God Is Female

- Jo Guido

Michael Goodrich

Didn't Say It Would

Be Like This

- Jack A. Buchanan

This May Not Be The Greatest,

But It's Better Than Bakersfield

- Jack A. Buchanan

As I Lie Here,

With Lots Of Time

On My Hands,

All I Have To Say Is "Ha Ha"

I Beat You

- Cindy Weaver

First I Wasn't

Then I Was

Now I Ain't

- Blake Bailey

I saw this somewhere, so it's not my original thought:

She Was Here At A Good Time

An Had a Good Time

While She Was Here

or

Up, Up And Away!

Also, not an original and assuming I'm not going down, down!

- E.A. Stahl

I've Fallen And I Can't Get Up

- Chad Loberger

Accompanied by a pair of snake eyes:

I Gambled

And Lost

- Jim Carson

I'd Rather Be Flying

or 

I Hate Funerals,

Especially My Own

- Bill Yager

I Am Speechless

This Is Heaven

- Bunny Lewis

Good Bye

Good Bye

- Helen J. Labensky

And Finally:

I Beat The IRS

or

I Was A Doctor's Patient.

I Was So Patient, Here I Lie.

or

My Luck:

To Be Buried In Bermuda

Shorts

And Hell Freezes Over

or

I Quit Smoking

I Dieted

I Quit Drinking

I Died

- Barry Roublick