The following column is the opinion and analysis of the writer.
June 6, 1944, 0300
Supreme Allied Command War Room
President Franklin Delano Trump
Today the liberation of Europe begins in spite of the president’s belief there are good people on both sides of the channel. The president, surrounded by his command staff, wondered aloud, “What if we poured Jell-O into the channel? Have you tried that?”
General Pensive rubbed his forehead as General Lackey unrolled the schematics. “Here’s the plan, sir. It’s called ‘Operation Overlord.’ Did you read the briefing, Mr. President?”
“I don’t have time to read anything. I’m too busy sending thousands of carrier pigeons out every day one right after another with my random thoughts. Betty Grable? A ten. I never touched the Andrews sisters. We should thank Boris Karloff for inventing the jitterbug. General Kushner filled me in.”
People are also reading…
Lackey jumped in. “Quick review, sir. When Germany occupied France—”
“Germany occupied France?!”
“Read the dispatches, sir.”
“I was busy writing fan mail to Mussolini that year. Fantastic guy!”
“In ’41 the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor. Then you declared war on Japan, Germany, sauerkraut and the ‘Republic of Covfefe’. A month later you called Walter Cronkite, Edward R. Murrow and the Saturday Evening Post ‘Enemies of the people.’ Then you awarded Charles Lindbergh the Medal of Freedom and called on America to stay out of the war at the same time the Battle of Midway was being fought and won.”
“And I said it would be over by spring and here we are! Spring!”
“That was the spring of ’42. It’s ’44, sir.” The president glared.
“Sir, We’ve suffered nearly 400,000 American casualties in the Pacific and European theaters.”
“I knew it. People are getting killed in theaters. Round up everyone at Grauman’s Chinese Theatre. My gut tells me the Chinese are behind this. Arrest Charlie Chan, kill Ming the Merciless and shoot Fu Manchu!” The generals looked at each other.
Pensive continued. “The invasion…”
“Tell me all about it, Pensive.”
“Sir, it’s a matter of seconds. You must give the command to launch the invasion.”
Trump stared at the microphone. “There are good people on both sides of the rind.”
Lackey rolled his eyes. “Rhine.”
Trump fumed. “Have General Eisenhower do it. Amos and Andy are on the radio.”
“You fired Eisenhower last week. By messenger pigeon. Then you told Hedda Hopper and Walter Winchell you were smarter than all your generals, sir.”
“But I am smarter than my generals.” He glared at them all, folded his arms, rocked on his heels and smiled.
“Read this, sir. For broadcast to all our men and women in uniform.”
“Fine. You are about to embark upon the Great Crusade, toward which we have striven these many months. Blah, blah, blah... The eyes of the world are upon you. Yada yada yada. Happy, Pensive? People tell me they hear griping about the ships, tanks, plane, guns and boots. Know anything about that?”
“You told the men it was up to their states back home to find equipment for them.”
Lackey pointed to the map. “The British and Canadians are to establish beachheads here, here and here... while our boys take Utah and Omaha Beach.”
“We’ll be in Salt Lake City by Easter! The beaches in Nebraska are fantastic.”
“We expect to lose up to 4,000 Allied troops in the invasion, sir, with thousands wounded or missing.”
“Well, I’m missing a round with Bob and Bing.”
“Sir?”
“General. I nearly forgot. New code of conduct. Prisoners of war are not heroes. I don’t want any of our men captured by the Hens.”
The General offered a crisp salute. “‘Huns,’ sir. Mr. President, Normandy is heavily fortified. The Huns call it the ‘Atlantic Wall.’”
“The Huns. Walls are smart! Their wall will keep us out. Can’t get through those things. Cancel the whole thing. I’ll declare victory.”
