Fitz: After Benghazi overload, even my remote has had enough

2014-05-10T00:00:00Z Fitz: After Benghazi overload, even my remote has had enoughBy David Fitzsimmons Arizona Daily Star Arizona Daily Star

Congress has held seven Benghazi investigations, convened 13 Benghazi hearings, heard 15 Benghazi briefings, reviewed more than 25,000 Benghazi documents and, according to CNN, still has not found the black box.

Undaunted, House Speaker John Boehner just selected Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-S.C.) to chair a new select committee to investigate Benghazi. I made the mistake of watching cable news to see what I could learn. This is my journal.

Early Morning

National Anthem. “Courtesy of the Red, White, & Blue” by Toby Keith (with subtitles).

Prayer. Fox host Mike Huckabee leads daily supplication. Today it’s Proverbs 17:76: “Lord, smite my political enemies with a plague of boils.”

“Fox and Friends.” Show hosts fail to find Benghazi on a globe, end up chatting about “Ben Hur” and how funny it would be if Fozzy Bear’s last name were Benghazi.

“Fox Reports.” Benghazi. Where is the outrage over four dead Americans? An examination of intelligence failures that resulted in Americans losing their lives in places other than Iraq.

CNN “Special Report.” Don Lemon reports on the search for a missing airliner in Wolf Blitzer’s beard.

FOX presentsMission Accomplished.” Your daily good news report from Iraq (canceled).

CNN “Chatterbox.” Game show panelists compete to say something fresh about missing airliner. Winner avoids round-trip flight to Malaysia.

Midday

“Benghazi Haze.” Fox host Shepard Smith investigates allegations that Hillary Clinton may have been secretary of state during Benghazi.

“Witch Hunt” (pilot). Inspector Boehnor finds a email confirming that 2012 election-year politics played a role in a White House decision to downplay the terrorism angle of Benghazi attack.

“Witch Hunt.” Inspector Obama finds email confirming that 2014 election-year politics played a role in Congress’ decision to hold 1,412th Benghazi hearing.

“Koch Club.” The Koch brothers introduce their new line of 2014 congressmen, including the Climate Change Denier with Flat Earth Processor, the Pro-Life Cyborg armed with trans-vaginal probes and the Tea Party No-Bot.

Late Afternoon

“Benghazi CSI.” CSI team investigates horse beaten to death on Capitol Hill, suspects gang of partisan congressmen (crime drama).

Fox movie matinee: “Benghazi! Benghazi! Benghazi!” Zany sequel to Steve Martin “Pink Panther” remake. Select Committee Chairman Trey Gowdy is on the case.

“On the Broken Record.” Greta Van Susteren investigates Benghazi ... investigates Benghazi ... investigates Benghazi.

“Al Sharpton.” MSNBC host confuses Benghazi with late actor Ben Gazzara, offers superficial partisan analysis of day’s issue with stacked panel.

Evening

“The Benghazi Factor.” Fox host Bill O’Reilly spins Benghazi into a kerfuffle, calls Hillary Clinton a pinhead.

“Oddball.” MSNBC host Chris Matthews calls O’Reilly a pinhead, panel of pinheads agrees.

“Hannity.” Sean Hannity reports on America’s disgraceful flag lapel pin shortage, traces Benghazi scandal to “Fall of Man.”

“Last Word.” MSNBC host Lawrence O’Donnell has the last word on Chris Christie scandal.

Chris Hayes. No, he doesn’t.

C-SPAN. Live coverage of Benghazi hearing.

Sanjay Gupta, M.D. Medical miracle: Watching Benghazi hearing may cure insomnia.

“Cold Case: Benghazi” (rerun).

“Anderson Cooper 360.” Learn to count by watching Anderson Cooper say “missing airliner” 360 times.

Fox Movie of the Week presents “Showboat!” Jerome Kern and Oscar Hammerstein’s musical adaptation of Benghazi hearing. Stars Michelle Malkin, Toby Keith and Ted Nugent. (7 hrs. 48 mins.)

“Real America Antiques Roadshow.” This week from the Aloha State, a Hawaiian birth certificate is examined.

“Hoarders.” A Republican tea party congressman struggles to part with crates of Whitewater clippings to make room for Benghazi documents; staff threatens to quit. Former president’s mistress gives up blue dress.

“Real America Antiques Roadshow.” 25,000 pages of Benghazi documents are appraised by Benghazi scholar Lindsey Graham (season finale).

Late night

“Tales from the Obamacare Crypt.” Sarah Palin as “Vampira of the North” introduces horror tales from socialist Canada.

“Rachel Maddow Show.” New Jersey traffic cones are interviewed.

“Kelly File.” Fox host Megyn Kelly interviews Sen. Rand Paul about recent discovery of shocking sex scandal involving unknown Clinton administration intern named Lewinksy, could rock 2016 presidential race.

“Death Panels.” G. Gordon Liddy returns to Fox to host game show where contestants risk death by signing up at healthcare.gov.

“Hillary Rising.” Glenn Beck examines impact of lesbian presidency, how rise of feminist socialism relates to end-time Biblical prophecies.

Fox midnight movies presents “Whitewater” (film noir). Dated Arkansas crime drama about nation’s biggest scandal since Benghazi. Stars Jon Voigt and Rush Limbaugh as Arkansas governor’s security detail.

“Good Night, Benghazi.” Fox host Tucker Carlson tucks you in with the latest breaking news, live from Benghazi.

Fox presents HBO’s “Bill After Dark.” Behind-the-scenes look at private life of naughty former president (adult programming).

Longest shower ever. Lights out. I do not care if I ever find my remote again.

Contact editorial cartoonist and columnist David Fitzsimmons at tooner@azstarnet.com

Copyright 2014 Arizona Daily Star. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

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