Dr. Barton Goldsmith: Having a good (enough) relationship with your ex

• Treat each other with respect. You don’t have to even like your former partner; you just have to treat your ex with the same dignity that you would appreciate receiving from them. It will teach your children how to get along, and there will be less conflict in your life in general.
• Don’t blame all your problems on your ex. Blaming our former partner for ruining our lives actually makes us feel worse, not better; the trick is to deal with the PTSD and move forward with your life. If you’re spending your nights thinking about how to get even with your ex or how to get back together, you are obsessing and you need to change that.
• If you can, be friends. If you can be friends with your ex, that’s great. There may be a lot of emotional energy between the two of you, and you may trigger one another from time to time, but knowing that will happen can help you take it in stride, so you won’t lose your cool or your friendship. You may need to just take a little space sometimes and see what happens.
• If you can’t stand each other, first do no harm. Conduct yourself in a businesslike manner. That way, you can keep some emotional distance and your self-respect along with it. You may have to gird your loins, but stand strong and be diplomatic.
• Pretend you are at least OK with each other. Do this not just for the sake of the kids but also for your own peace of mind. Holding on to resentment takes energy; it’s much healthier to act as if you think of your ex as just another person on the planet rather than an assassin who’s been sent to take you out. By being friendly, you aren’t necessarily being a friend; you can keep your distance without malice or discord.
• If possible, acknowledge special occasions with your ex. This can include remembering birthdays and holidays, as long it doesn’t ruffle your current partner’s feathers. This is a person you shared time with, so you can at least be nice enough to acknowledge their existence on special occasions. Doing this will not only set a good example for the kids but make your own life richer.
• Work together to make sure your children have good relationships. Model positive behavior, and show your children how to get along with each other. Having good relationships with our siblings can make our journey through life better in so many ways. Getting along is something that has to be taught, and the two of you as parents can teach your children well.
• Remember that it’s not about who wins but about being comfortable. Win-lose is the same as lose-lose when it comes to relationships. If you want to carry around the burden of hating your ex — just because you can and because this is as good a place to put your misdirected anger as any — you are wasting your life. Frankly, I don’t have the energy.

Getting along with your ex is a gift you are giving to your children and to yourself. It’s too easy not to do, and it would be wise to remember that hate is not the opposite of love. Disinterest is.