Ask Amy: Couples' separation leads to rift in the family

My brother has been abusive and an alcoholic throughout the marriage.

I have always sided with my sister-in-law. I have cared for my niece and nephew over the years, as well.

Now my brother is committed to rehab and doing very well. I am now a support system to my brother because he is putting in the daily work to recover and to stay sober.

However, now my sister-in-law will not speak to me, and my niece and nephew will not answer my texts. On the rare occasions that they do, their answers sound coached and the manner in which they respond seems different than in the past.

I’m being prevented from seeing them, and I get the feeling that my sister-in-law is alienating them from us. My mom is also being blocked in the same manner.

Since custody has not been decided, she has all the control concerning when (and if) my brother gets to see the children.

What can I do? I love these children and I think she has turned them against our side of the family.

— A Sad Aunt

Dear Aunt: You describe your brother as an abusive alcoholic. You need to understand that, even in sobriety, he may pose something of a threat to his estranged wife and children. Or they perceive it that way.

Do not press too hard to see these children. They may believe that you will try to act as a go-between with their father, and if they don’t want to see him, they won’t want to see you.

If your brother and his ex are going through the legal process of divorcing, she may be trying to build a case against him. Don’t interfere, but continue to support your brother’s efforts to recover and change. Ultimately, this will be best for the children, and if you have to tolerate some distance for now until things settle down and legal matters are decided, you should be patient.

Do your best to stay in touch with the kids via text. Keep things light and conversational. Don’t promote their father’s interests, but answer any of the children’s questions truthfully (if they ask).

Dear Amy: I’ve been dating my boyfriend for five years. His late wife died more than 10 years ago. He is a kind and gentle man. We love each other.

I have a concern about his children; a daughter, 18, and a son, 22.

They don’t like me. They never want to spend any time with “us,” as a couple.

They never acknowledge me, unless their father tells them to say hello.

When I come into the living room, they go to their bedrooms.

They acknowledge others, but exclude me. When his daughter graduated from high school, I was asked not to attend her graduation.

Recently, they had family from out of town visit. This included members of their mother’s family.

These guests were so kind! During the week’s events, the kids did not acknowledge me once, even though I tried to engage them in conversations.

I’m at a loss. I love this man and would like to grow old with him, but I don’t see how if his children don’t accept me.

I know many of your readers have walked this path. I need advice from those who have been there.

— M

Dear M: Your guy is at the heart of this problem, and the solution. The way to build relationships is to spend time together. Including you in his daughter’s graduation celebration, for instance, should not have been left up to her. His tolerance of his kids’ rudeness is why it continues.

If you are in his life, then you should be in their lives. He will have to be openhearted and kind toward their partners, and they must be toward you. He needs to deal with whatever lingering loss they feel regarding their mother’s death, and then he must lead the way by establishing clear expectations about how they must behave toward you.

Dear Amy: I agree with others that your response to “Mama Bear” revealed your own homophobia. You should have not encouraged this teen boy to stay in the closet!

— Upset

Dear Upset: This was certainly the opposite of my intent. My position is that this openly homophobic aunt did not deserve her nephew’s disclosure of his sexuality, or his angst over making it. He should simply live his life however he wants, without regard to her bigoted views.