Local opinion: Thinking outside the box

Re: the Jan. 22 article “AZ proposal would allow composting of humans.”

You know legislation is getting down to earth when the phrase “or soil” appears in the text five times. “Or soil” is the most frequent new language quoted in House Bill 2081, which would amend statutes that govern the funeral industry.

The Arizona Daily Star reported on Jan. 22 that the bill “would allow companies to offer ‘natural organic reduction’ as an alternative to burial or traditional cremation.” “As with cremation, the family would get back the remains,” writes Howard Fischer. “But this process produces what amounts to mulch.”

According to lobbyist Jake Hinman, “The family can then use the soil to plant a tree.” He added they could also use the loved one’s mulchy remains to “plant the grieving family’s favorite flowers.’’ One legislator even suggested a “Circle of Life,” impact, inspired by “The Lion King.” Imagine a vegetable garden fertilized by deceased loved ones, pushing up tomatoes, carrots and lettuce that winds up on the dinner table. (“Aunt Bessie is gone now but lives on in our salad. Amen.”)

Give it up to State Representative Laurin Hendrix, sponsor of HB 2081, for thinking outside the box — literally.

But why stop with mulch?

According to the Washington Post, “In 2020, 56% of Americans who died were cremated.” That means nearly half were preserved, many of them in cemeteries. Cemeteries take up a lot of space and are only visited by a handful of people. That description also applies to golf courses.

This is a land use problem with a land use solution: combining the two. Why have cemeteries and golf courses occupying huge tracts of land for the benefit of a few when they could share the same space? Would that not be more efficient?

Graves could be incorporated into golf course design. Headstones would make interesting hazards. And think of the prominence your loved ones would enjoy being interred under the links. Did your grandfather love to play golf? Bury him near the 18th green with a prominent marker. Everybody who completed a round would see his name and acknowledge his subterranean presence. Why hide the dear departed’s last location where hardly anybody sees it? Place it near a fairway, or a green or a sand trap. Let them stay in the game.

Maybe your loved one didn’t play golf but still enjoyed entertainment and competition. Perhaps a full-sized golf course would not be an appropriate resting place. But don’t overlook miniature golf. More than 130 million people play miniature golf every year, according to Front Office Sports. That’s a lot of exposure for final resting places.

Imagine a family’s pride when the Windmill Hole is dedicated to their late uncle. Hundreds of miniature golfers would remember him as they line up their putt. If your loved one was a plumber, plant him or her at the Pipe Hole. The infamous “Impossible Angle” hole could honor a logistics engineer. A track-and-field athlete could be buried near (or under) the Jump Hole. The Tire Hole inspires numerous possibilities: mechanics, race car drivers, tire dealers, hubcap thieves. You could feature a miniature golf course with decedents in mind, incorporating their memories into course design. The Whale Bone magazine website notes several intriguing possibilities: the Matterhorn, waterfalls, volcanoes. Las Vegas even has a glow-in-the dark golf course. What an appropriate resting place for entertainers, magicians and stoners.

And the Ant Hill would be the Aunt Hill.

Turning deceased loved ones into garden mulch is a good starting place. But there is so much more land use planners could do. Why not combine gold courses with cemeteries and make better use of the territory they each occupy? It’s a win-win situation.

Just be careful with the divots.