Heather Mace: In divisive times, Americans need our dads

When Minnesota Governor Tim Walz was named as Kamala Harris’s vice-presidential pick, he quickly acquired some nicknames. Most highlighted his fatherly qualities, deeming him “The Dad in Plaid” or simply “America’s Dad.” However, in a video that went viral shortly after the announcement, online commentator Pamela Wurst Vetrini shared a more somber description of how some young and middle-aged Americans view Walz. In her words, “Tim Walz represents the father that we lost to Fox News.” Her observation — that some of the sensible, moderate dads many folks grew up with now embrace views or leaders they once considered extreme — struck a chord with many.

Perhaps that’s because the wedge between conservative fathers and their progressive children has been steadily increasing. Not only do young voters tend to lean Democratic while those over age 50 lean more Republican, but researchers at Brown University found America is polarizing more rapidly and deeply than other democracies.

To their point, when Americans in 1978 were asked to rate their feelings toward members of the two main political parties, they rated their own party members on average 27 points higher than those from the other party. In 2016, that number had risen to 45.9 points, meaning negative feelings toward opposing party members had grown nearly five points per decade. By autumn 2020, roughly 80% of both parties’ members said they fundamentally disagreed with the other side about core American values. And from 2016 to 2022, the belief that members of the other party are “immoral” rose from 47% to 72% among Republicans and 35% to 63% among Democrats. Politically inclined Americans don’t merely dislike each other’s policies anymore; they often disapprove of each other personally.

Some researchers correlate this increase in strong feelings, known as affective polarization, with the rise of cable news and radio talk shows. This may be why the Walz Fox News comment packed such a punch. Many people have watched loved ones embrace the increasingly partisan ideas they hear repeated ad nauseam on 24-hour news platforms. For those who have witnessed this transformation in their own fathers, they see Walz as a version of their dad that might have been.

As a result, some people believe the only way to deal with politically opposed family members is to cut them off. Indeed, sometimes a relative speaks with such vitriol or paranoia that repair is not possible, and the only safe way to proceed is in opposite directions. However, for many families, differences in political beliefs don’t have to mean a relationship is over. As election season ramps up, there are a few ways to prioritize familial bonds over partisanship.

First, families must set and respect boundaries around how they’ll engage in political conversations. This is a skill we’ve had to practice in my politically divided family. After some hurt feelings, we agreed not to text or email each other political content because it lacks the context of a personal conversation. We also try to avoid political talk at big family events. It’s not easy, but we know where each other stands and don’t presume a debate around the Christmas tree will change anyone’s mind.

Next, divided families can acknowledge spaces where they empathize with each other’s political viewpoints. In her podcast “A Braver Way,” Democrat Mónica Guzmán beautifully models this skill in an interview with her Republican parents. (Episode 3: How can you talk politics in a divided family?) By acknowledging one another’s arguments, she and her parents demonstrate that family members can feel seen even in their differences.

Finally, it’s helpful to remember who benefits from our political divides. Many people and institutions, from media outlets to lobbyists, stand to profit by driving voters into a frenzy. When politicians demand that folks get upset with each other, consider whether their outrage serves the common good or their own interests, and respond in due measure.

In these divided times, it can be difficult to stay politically engaged while maintaining harmony with relatives. But if families allow politics to fracture their relationships, politicians like Walz won’t show up at American dinner tables to fill the empty seats. Instead, to unify divided families, we need our own dads to take the lead.