Of all the attributes that make "Hoot" a terrible movie, it's the soundtrack that's truly bad enough to drive you to Margaritaville.
An already horrid kids-save-the-environment drama, adapted from the Carl Hiaasen novel, "Hoot," is made even worse by all the Jimmy Buffett music. If you didn't hate his work already, this stuff will convince you.
The ditties consist of half-hearted melodies with dopily contrived lyrics that mimic the onscreen action as middle-schooler Roy (Logan Lerman) helps homeless kid Mullet Fingers (Cody Linley) and school soccer stud Beatrice (Brie Larson) avoid a bungling cop (Luke Wilson) and use civil disobedience to stop a pancake house franchise from bulldozing the homes of miniature owls to make way for a new restaurant.
When Roy's on the schoolbus, Jimmy's singing about buses. When Roy spots Mullet Fingers runnin' barefoot, Jimmy's singing about runnin' barefoot. When Roy and Mullet Fingers are riding in a motorboat together — do they let kids take those out on their own? — and lookin' left and right at the scenery, Jimmy's singing about lookin' left and lookin' right.
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So in honor of the Mickey Mouse-ish tunes, following are some songs Buffett could have written to really break down what was going on in the film.
Track 1: "Settin' Up a Borin' Plot."
Settin' up a borin' plot
This stuff'll make your brain rot
Got dialogue so bad
You'll think you been had
'Cause the ticket done robbed ya of a 10-spot.
Track 2: "That Luke Wilson Deserves to be Slapped"
Look at Luke Wilson, cruisin' around
Such a bad cop, the kids'll never be found
At least he's got that Southern twang down
Tryin' so hard to be a good clown
Yet humor and goodwill, he surely does drown
I've got a good mind to give him a pound
Boy should be slapped for starrin' in this pap
He's as out of place as me tryin' to rap.
Track 3: "Don't You Wish You Were Watching a Better Movie?"
Ah, I've got a thought here you might find groovy
Let's you and me sneak outta this movie
The kids onscreen are makin' fools of adults
Audience glazed just like them freaky cults
Tell ya what just occurred to me
Let's sneak over to Theater Three
Over there they got playin' "M:I:III"
Say, I'd rather join Scientology
Than suffer any more of this travesty
Track 4: "Kids Don't Really Talk Like This or Do These Things"
Lookee here
I say, lookee heeeeere
Got another kid talking like he's a grown-up
Authenticity's been really blown-up
Parents don't make 'em go to school
So they can run around making fools
Of evil companies that want to kill
All these baby owls, oh what a thrill
Kids stand in front-a dozers to get some attention
Where they really belong is in after-school detention
Track 5: "Countin' My Money"
You may not think much-a my music
But it's my privilege to go and abuse it
Bear in mind, you'd do the same thiiiiiinng —
If writin' this crud gotcha so much green!
Any idea how much New Line Paaays. . .
To have me synchronize lyrics with a screenplay?
Complain all ya want, I'll just think it's funny
While I sit hear, strummin and countin' my money.
review
Hoot
*
Rated: PG for mild bullying and brief language
Cast: Logan Lerman, Brie Larson, Cody Linley, Luke Wilson
Director: Wil Shriner
Family call: Inoffensive, but also insufferable.
Running time: 90 minutes
Opens Friday at: Park Place, El Con, Century Park, Foothills, Desert Sky, Uptown
