● Dear Carolyn:
When is an appropriate time to introduce a significant other to friends? I never do unless I sense the guy is going to stick around. Unfortunately, that means I haven't introduced a guy to my friends since 2001. But I don't want to bring around every guy I'm seeing because my friends would stop taking anyone I date seriously.
I keep my dating life VERY separate, because I don't think I should drop everything in my life and insert the guy I happen to be seeing into all of it. I think it should be gradual process that's based on respect rather than just assumed.
It wouldn't bug me except a close friend called me out on it recently. Thoughts?
— New Haven, Conn.
I think your reasoning is fundamentally flawed. In fact, it's ironic: The only way to keep a guy VERY separate is to drop everything in your life to spend time with him — exactly the big fuss you're trying to prevent.
People are also reading…
Such rigid compartmentalization might even be stunting these relationships. It is a fact of dating that everyone's performing. You're both out to impress. And so to get the truth about each other, both of you must look to context. How do you spend your time, how do you spend your money, where and how do you work, where and how do you live, how do you get around, how do you choose to present yourself?
Often the most revealing of these is the company you keep. Do you have friends, are they good people, is your family functional?
You're not only denying your dates access to this important insight. You're also unwittingly giving them insight you might not want them to have: that you're highly guarded about . . . something.
You're . . . ashamed of him? Ashamed of your family, friends, lack of friends, yourself? People are often guarded by nature, but sometimes it's about fear, control or deception, too; your due diligence might be their red flag.
The shiniest interpretation — "She's just cautious with her feelings" — may sound promising. But if the walls never come down, then you're telling suitors to get used to life on the outside.
I'm not suggesting you open your soul to anyone who buys you a drink. Of course you want to establish mutual respect. But I suspect you might resent your "gradual process" if it were imposed on you.
Surely since 2001 you've found a new friend — decent, kind, good company — whom you've included among your friends? The "appropriate time" to introduce someone you're dating is the same as for new friends. That way, your process will feel like a natural one.