I once received this email: "I read that Dr. Heins was a mother and I would like to know if she has ever had strong-willed or stubborn kids and not felt the need to spank them which it so lays out at least three times in the book of Proverbs in the Bible. I would also like to know if she has heard of where a parent disciplines a child in love and that child later spanks another child with the same motives or if the child really hits another across the face with vengeful motives?"
My own children were not particularly stubborn but, sure, they acted stubborn on occasion. And of course these occasions invariably occurred when I was rushed and tired. So of course I felt like spanking my kids. I've never met a parent who hasn't been angry with their child on occasion. And I shamefully admit to a rare swat across a bottom - never on the face.
Why did I feel anger and not act on it? Because I grew up before my kids did.
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Let's think about characteristics of grown-up parents:
• A grown-up parent controls his or her temper and does not act out strong emotions. When such parents are angry they count to 10 or put themselves in a "parental timeout" until they feel calm.
• A grown-up parent is responsible, takes parenting seriously and accepts the role of parent-in-charge.
• A grown-up parent respects himself or herself and respects the spouse or partner who shares the parenting.
• A grown-up parent respects his or her child.
• A grown-up parent knows the difference between disciplining a child and demeaning a child, which is why a grown-up parent never slaps a child across the face in "love" or uses Scripture as an excuse.
• A grown-up parent realizes that no human being is perfect, that each of us is a work in progress, especially a child who takes a long time to learn how to be grown-up. This is why children need grown-up parents who model grown-up behavior and from whom children can learn how to grow up.
• A grown-up parent realizes that words can hurt as much as slaps do, sometimes more, and never "verbally spanks" by screaming, swearing, putting the child down, insulting the child, using sarcasm or threats. A grown-up parent does not compare children ("You're clumsier than your sister!") or assign roles ("He's the stubborn one").
• Above all, a grown-up parent never says he or she doesn't love the child or threaten to withhold love.
Hopefully, we parents all grow up before we have kids, but if you suspect you have not finished your task of growing up, study the above list carefully.
For those who don't already know the answer, a child who has been slapped hits another child because kids copy their role models. Such a child has learned from the parent that it's OK to hit another person. I doubt that children ever hit another child with "love" or because of a Bible reading.
Dr. Heins is a pediatrician, parent, grandparent and the founder and CEO of ParentKidsRight.com She welcomes your individual parenting questions. Email info@ParentKids Right.com for a professional, personal and private answer to your questions.