Heather Mace: For many moms, family-work balance is elusive

It’s a bright, sunny Tuesday morning, and I’m sitting on the couch with a feverish 9-year-old. When I’m not refilling her cup of strawberry Gatorade or fetching art supplies, I attempt to catch up on work. “I apologize for canceling today’s meeting,” I write repeatedly, a pang of guilt accompanying each outgoing message. We’re only seven weeks into school, and it’s the third time a sick kiddo has me juggling meetings and scrambling to reschedule.

To distract myself from the nagging feeling of failure, I scroll through my social media feed. The screen fills with images of smiling educators receiving awards for their outstanding contributions to their schools. How on earth do they find the time or energy to be outstanding, I wonder. The thought doesn’t last long, as my daughter sleepily asks if we can watch a baking show together. “Of course,” I reply. Reluctantly, I close my laptop on a list of ungraded assignments. They will just have to wait until tonight.

If you are one of my fellow 23.5 million working moms who have children under the age of 18, perhaps this scenario is familiar. Balancing — or more often fumbling and bobbling– work and family responsibilities looks different for different mothers. One mom may start to get ahead at work, then have to decrease her hours because her child’s after-school program is cut. Another may take a leave from work to have a baby, but miss a promotion as a result.

Perhaps working long hours leaves a mother too exhausted to cook, so she feeds her family less nutritious meals than she’d like. Or maybe she is part of the 1-in-4 American workers who receive zero sick days, so taking time off to comfort a child is simply out of the question. Whatever the details, the trade-offs that mothers navigate between work and family are endless.

I recently saw a comic that attempted to illustrate these negotiations. It was a triangle with the three points labeled happy kids, clean house, and your sanity. The accompanying caption read, “Mothers, you get to pick two.” It’s a clever commentary, but only scratches the surface of the expectations placed on working moms. Where in that list are satisfied bosses, home-cooked meals, sufficient exercise, and abundant extracurricular activities, to name a few? If these were added, what would be the maximum number of items a mom could balance before it all toppled over?

Too often, we place this question back in the hands of mothers to solve. We advise them to ask for help (from whom, I’m not sure), lower their expectations of themselves, or engage in self-care. While these are fine ideas, they alone won’t address the pressures placed on working moms.

What will help on a systemic level are policies that decrease the stress and financial burdens placed on working mothers: Mandatory paid sick leave for all U.S. employees. Increased funding for childcare programs. Affordable and accessible after-school care for elementary school students. Paid FMLA for all new parents. On a cultural level, we can all push back against grind culture, which is the idea that we must constantly work and be productive to prove our worth. Working hard is noble, but so is stepping away to care for family members. Normalizing– or even encouraging — employees taking time off is a cultural shift that will benefit not only working moms, but all employees.

So to my fellow moms, if you’re reading this between work emails while waiting on hold with the pediatrician’s office, I see you. If you’re reading this while your kids play video games because you need a few minutes to decompress after work, I can relate. And if you’re reading this through tears because the mom-work balancing act has come crashing down, I want you to know you’re not alone. I’m fumbling along right beside you.