Remember when parenting was simple?
Jerry Davich
You screamed at your sleep-deprived kids to wake up, threatening the wrath of their evil principal if they were late to school. You dumped an unhealthy amount of sugary cereal into a container the size of a mixing bowl. You let them leave the house dressed like street beggars, their empty pockets filled with nothing but mischief, curiosity and imagination.
And then you let them roam their neighborhood to explore their tiny world, getting into trouble with their friends and annoying elderly neighbors before returning home by the time the streetlights turned on.
They weren’t equipped with over-sized backpacks that made them look like World War II paratroopers invading enemy territory. They weren’t armed with smartphones that contained more technological capabilities than an Apollo moon mission. And they had no way of connecting with anyone outside their town without making a collect call that no one would accept anyway.
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Today’s parents might call this style of parenting “neglect,” but I was raised this way and, to a lesser degree, so were my children who are now in their early 40s. This style of parenting came with inevitable pitfalls, potential danger and continual second guessing from parenting “experts." But we survived and learned how to survive as adults in a world that can be perilous and merciless.
“The Case for Benign Neglect: Lessons from a 1960s Childhood,” published by The Edvocate, reminded me how children raised with less supervision often developed confidence, creativity and problem-solving skills because we had to -- not because our parents bent over backward to twist the world around our weaknesses or vulnerabilities.
Benign neglect involves stepping back from micromanaging a child's life — often termed helicopter parenting — to encourage independence, creativity and resilience. Did the word "micromanage" even exist in the '70s when I was a kid and routinely neglected by my parents? I doubt it.
Things aren’t so simple anymore for ever-fretful parents who must deal with outside factors I didn’t have to face as a parent in the '80s and '90s. That generation of parents was socially conditioned to not only allow boredom for their kids, but to relish it and get entertained from it. My parents’ generation even more so.
“If you’re bored, I’ll give you something to do!” my dad yelled if I whined about being bored.
He didn’t mean a new video game to enjoy. He meant picking weeds from our rock garden. And if we complained? “I’ll give you something to cry about!” he told us.
All he had to do was reach for his pant belt and an instant message was sent: Shut up. Do what you’re told. Or I’ll spank you with this belt. End of family discussion.
Was it technically abuse? Maybe, according to today’s definitions. But we didn’t know it back then. It was called child rearing. It’s all we knew. Today’s kids know so much more about the world, yet they also know so little about navigating it without an overbearing parent.
After reading a trending story on finding the parental “sweet spot” of benign neglect, I flashed back to my childhood and my kids’ childhoods. “Some parents today — especially Gen X and elder millennials — recognize it as something close to how they grew up,” the story states.
I’m not familiar with the benign aspect, but I sure recognize the neglect aspect. And I loved it as a kid growing up in the 1960s and '70s. I was encouraged to explore the world on my own or with my friends, one block at a time, one neighborhood at a time. And this was in Gary, Indiana, during a racial shift and economic plummet that prompted thousands of white families to move out of the Steel City.
I wasn’t expected to check in with my parents during the day because, mostly, I had no way to do so. As a latchkey kid, when I left them a note saying my plans, I had better be home on time or my dad would jump in his beat-up, Army-green Plymouth Fury convertible and drag me home with a fury that scared me.
No smartphone technology could have saved my butt. I was raised on fear, love and chocolate donuts, though not always in that order.
Later on, my own parenting philosophy was similar: Feed, love and leave them alone.
Should today’s parents use a more hands-off approach? Should they wait to see if the kid can solve a challenge by themselves before stepping in? Yes, when the situation calls for it. They also should keep in mind another term for such “neglect,” benign or otherwise. It’s called childhood.
