The following column is the opinion and analysis of the writer:
Professor Geraldo Hydro, Tucson’s preeminent water expert, will be taking over this column space from time to time to answer questions from readers about water. I hope you enjoy his thoughtful responses.
Prof. Hydro, Lake Powell is starting to look like Meteor Crater. Should I be concerned?
Dusty
No. If you have the kidneys of a kangaroo rat and no pores you’ll be fine.
Hey, Geraldo, When it’s 113 degrees out, isn’t it a fact the last thing anyone wants to hear is that our water supply is drying up?
Dee Lusional
No. The last thing you want to hear is “Not to worry! Your Arizona Legislature is on it.”
People are also reading…
Dr. Hydro, What’s the most dramatic drought-emergency response water officials in Phoenix have planned?
Frantic Phoenician
Turning off the garden hose they’ve left running since 1979.
Dr. Hydro, Will the price of water go up as water becomes more scarce?
M. Friedman
Do javelina stink?
Prof. Hydro, How much water goes to farmers — and will they have to use a lot less water in the future?
Mr. Green Jeans
Eighty percent of Arizona’s allotted water goes to farmers. Farmers will be forced to use less water. Some innovators will find alternative sources of moisture like powdered milk. Others will coat their lettuce and rutabagas with roll-on anti-perspirants. The smart ones will turn to drip irrigation.
Dr. Hydro, What! Our water doesn’t come from the faucet? It comes from snow in the Rockies?
Confused
You’re on to something, Frosty.
Doc Hydro, I hear we’ve been banking water here in Tucson. Banking water? Is that true?
Parched
Yes! And here’s a tip: When you go to your ATM and you’re asked what denominations you prefer, instead of asking for fives, tens and twenties ask for your withdrawal in gallons, quarts and pints. And yes, there is a very, very, very severe penalty for early withdrawal.
Dear Hydro, I figured any bank with “wells” in its name must bank water so I went to Wells Fargo to open an account. They told me I was all wet.
All Wet
Go to Tucson Water. If you bank water with them you get a Hydro flask, an effluent stream and a Recharge Card.
Hydro Dude, How many lakes are approaching “Dead pool” status?
Aquaman
Three: Lake Mead, Lake Powell and most dramatically, Kari Lake, who reportedly has less depth than a puddle. She’s so shallow she can’t even float an idea let alone generate electricity.
Dr. Hydro, When I read “40 million people in the parched Colorado River basin could be affected” I was surprised to learn we all live in a basin. Is it like a giant bath tub? Is that why there are rings around Lake Mead and late at night I hear a strange gurgling sound?
Thinker
Late at night I hear a voice telling me to fire my letters editor.
Dr. Hydro, What if we gave each other “wet willies” and harvested that water?
Guess Who
Who? Which legislator are you?
Dr. Hydro, When the governor was informed “Denial is a river in Egypt” he wondered if we could build a pipeline to Egypt. Are we doomed?
Nero
I’d top off my hydro flask.
Dr. Hydro, Is this the worst drought in 1,200 years?
Packing
Yes, but on the bright side you got to admit watching the Colorado turn into a trickle sure takes your mind off coastal flooding, wildfires the size of China, mass extinctions, mass shootings and monster hurricanes.
Dr. Hydro, Folks who didn’t see this drought coming had to be wet behind the ears. Is there a way to harvest the moisture behind their ears?
Albert Einstein
Are you a member of Gov. Ducey’s brain trust?
Hydro Dude, With less and less water out West ranchers and farmers will have to give up water-guzzling crops. What crops are well-suited for our desert?
Alfalfa
Low-water crops like wax fruit and dried flowers. And grapes that produce exceptionally dry wines.
Howdy Doc, Arizona is going to spend a billion dollars on exploring the idea of building a pipeline to the Mississippi River and other innovative proposals. Good idea?
Seward Folly
When they could spend a billion on an elevator to the moon where the cheese is packed with water?
Hydro, Have you seen “Deadpool III”?
Sam
No. I didn’t know there was a ‘Deadpool III’. Who stars in it?
Lake Mead.
Sam
I hope Tucson Water cuts you off.
Dr. Hydro, Why are Tucsonans more conservation-minded than most Arizonans? Why are we smart about water usage?
Sid Cereus
I think it’s because we all agree with the late, great philosopher environmentalist and occasionally “moody” author, Ed Abbey, who once said, ”What the %@!& is wrong with you %@!& people?! Don’t you %@!& realize you live in a %@!& desert!”
