Fitz column mug

David Fitzsimmons, Tucson’s most beloved ink-stained wretch.

I’m so drained by the Kavanaugh hearings. That’s all my friends talk about. My buddy Nick Sievert had the best take. “All I know is there’s a Jesuit high school yearbook adviser that really needed to be fired.” He’s right. Who let “boofing” and “devils’ triangle” into the yearbook? Father Lenny Bruce? If I learned anything from this Supreme Court hearing, it’s not to Google “boof.”

I believe Christine Blasey Ford’s testimony.

I believe Brett Kavanaugh downed some brewskis, went upstairs with his pal and in a stupor assaulted her, and I believe him when he claims he doesn’t remember it. One-hundred percent.

Many regrettable actions take place in the foggy abyss of alcohol.

Our senators listened to Ford’s harrowing account of her trauma. Some found her credible, compelling and brave. I did.

All was lost for the Republican cause until Judge O’Flintstone raged like half my relatives sputter when they’re cornered about their drinking by the Missus, don’t ye know. “An innocent man, I tell ye!”

Methinks he doth protest too much. Having known victims of assault and perpetrators of assault, her behavior and his behavior are familiar.

Actress Ellen Barkin said it best with a tweet: ”I have seen men cry like Kavanaugh, the one who cried at my feet after smashing my face thru a glass coffee table, the one sobbing and screaming until I understood it was my fault for making him angry enough to attack me.”

And let me push “pause” just to note that if a woman acted like Kavanaugh did, she would have been dismissed as a hysterical, raging bitch. If a black man acted like Kavanaugh, he would have been cuffed and searched. Any Latino who dared to act like Kavanaugh would have been put on a plane to Mexico yesterday.

It’s good be a preppy, Brett.

That’s why I’m surprised the president says it’s a terrifying time for men. “Think of your sons! Think of your husband!” What is he talking about? Men should be terrified of being turned into a newt by a witch? Seduced by Greek sirens? Trapped by two-faced gold diggers?

It’s not terrifying for men who have lawyers who can setup hush-money payouts.

I’m just curious. Did the president take Kavanaugh aside and tell him, “You shoulda waited until you were famous. When you’re famous, they’ll let you do anything.”

For profiles in courage, I was inspired watching Republican senators evade women with assault stories in the halls of Congress. When our very own Sen. Jon Kyl, the pride of corporate Arizona, was greeted by women at the Dirksen Senate Office building, he cried out in anguish, ”Will you simply leave me alone!?” Poor, poor man. He almost sounded like a woman being held down against her will. I wanted to hug him.

Ford knew she had nothing to gain and everything to lose. She lost. She did her civic duty and was dismissed from the national stage like a gnat in the path of a speeding locomotive operated by white rabbits constantly checking their pocket watches, her “truth” and her “recovery” be damned.

Ford knew she’d be ridiculed. Golden teaching moment for your daughters, gentlemen. Best have the talk now.

“Princess, if a man touches you in a way that makes you uncomfortable, tell us and we’ll report the bad man immediately so the president of the United States of America can ridicule and mock you and have a good laugh at your expense at some rally in a town called Sling Blade, Mississippi. Now go run along and play.”

I wouldn’t Kavanaugh him on the court for one glaring reason: I don’t like his sneer. It’s a prep-school sneer. I recently had a wealthy preppy friend of mine describe a recent conversation with his lad in college. “Dave, I asked my boy, ’What is the group most discriminated against today?’ He made me proud, Dave. He said, ’White males.’ And I said, “That’s my boy.” He grinned through his prep-school sneer.

I said nothing. Why ruin the night? He paid for the meal.

It’s been a lousy couple of years for those of us looking for positive male role models in the news. My gender is lousy with creeps, and thanks to a sham FBI investigation I will always place Kavanaugh among the ranks of Weiner, Clinton, Cosby, Weinstein, Lauer, Franken, Charlie Rose, Louis C.K. and Garrison “let me warm your powder milk biscuits” Keillor, just to name a few. And Trump is their insulting, unfaithful, leering, groping king.

And the king and all the king’s men had best know that in 2018, Hell hath no fury like a woman voter scorned by her prehistoric senators. This election year, indelible in the female voter’s hippocampus as she contemplates her vote, will be the laughter. The uproarious laughter between you, Mister President, and your fans at that rally, having fun at the expense of a sexual assault victim.

Contact editorial cartoonist and columnist David Fitzsimmons at tooner@tucson.com