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Fitz's Opinion: Let's examine America's greatest military strategist
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Fitz's Opinion: Let's examine America's greatest military strategist

From the Fitz's opinion: A collection of David Fitzsimmons' opinion columns series
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David Fitzsimmons

The following column is the opinion and analysis of the writer.

“The Art of War,” written by the great military strategist Sun Tzu was eclipsed this past week by Donald Trump’s new treatise, “The Art of the War Deal,” a 12-chapter collection of the great strategists’ thoughts on war. Here are the most relevant excerpts from the famous best-selling volume, said to be slimmer than the rationale for killing an Iranian general.

Chapter 1: Leadership:

“Say one thing. Say another. Then contradict yourself. Then do the opposite. Then your staff will explain what you meant by it all while you tweet or nap. That’s leadership.”

—Don Trump

“The survival of a great leader matters more than the survival of the federation itself. I got that from the ‘Wrath of Khan.’ Never finished it.”

—Don Trump

Chapter 2: The Path to War:

“Escalate tensions with your enemy for no rational reason. It keeps life interesting between rounds of golf.”

—Don Trump

Chapter 3: Your Warriors:

“Keep your team loyal by threatening to whack any snitches. Worked for Commander Corleone.”

—Don Trump

“I prefer warriors who are not captured. ‘Hogan’s Heroes’ were no heroes! And why vilify Col. Klink? There were good people on both sides.”

—Don Trump

“The families of your war dead have made the ultimate sacrifice. Mock them for the amusement of partisans. Especially if they’re Muslim-Americans. This is good for national unity.”

—Don Trump

Chapter 4: Honor:

“Sure I pardoned war criminals. What’s wrong with posing with the war dead? Don Jr., brings trophy pics back from his safari hunts all the time! The military code of honor is for sissies. It’s something you have to read, right?”

—Don Trump

Chapter 5: The Geopolitics of War:

“The Kurds weren’t beside us at D-Day. Disgusting backstabbing, cowards. Some allies!”

—Don Trump

“When the Ukrainians attacked Pearl Harbor did Custer surrender? No! There’s a good reason why we dropped our big beautiful A-Bombs on China and Germany.”

—Don Trump

Chapter 6: Unity:

“Divide your people and unite your enemy. Or subdivide your enemy and unite your people. It’s one of those two. You sort it out. I’ve got Russian propaganda to spread. Buh-bye.”

—Don Trump

Chapter 7: Rhetoric:

“The emperor who threatens ‘Fire and fury’ bellows with the mighty flatulence of a thousand pouting pandas. Mulan said that.”

—Don Trump

“Subdue your enemy with the empty wind of fiery threats. But be very careful using wind of any kind. Wind turbines cause cancer.”

—Don Trump

Chapter 8: Strategy:

“This then is the 7-fold path: Betray your allies. Repeat falsehoods. Spread conspiracy theories. Study not. Blame your predecessors for your errors. Trust your gut. Order carry-out. This is the way of the Don.

“Also, declare national emergencies where none exist. This creates an unbreakable bond of trust between you, your people and their anxiety meds.”

—Don Trump

“I don’t know the meaning of the word ‘fear.’ Or the meaning of the words ‘strategy’ or ‘tactics,’ for that matter.”

—Don Trump

Chapter 9: Generals:

“If a great leader (me) lacks military service due to a condition such as, say, bone spurs, is it wise to declare openly he is smarter than all of his generals? Yes. Because, unlike his stupid generals, he evaded service with wile and cunning. And connections.”

—Don Trump

Chapter 11: Tactics

“It is always a smart move to provoke enraged religious fanatics in the middle of a 3,500,00-square-mile smoldering ammo dump. Nothing there but sand. Before attacking your enemy do not bother studying your enemy or his region. Trust your gut. There is great wisdom and insight in my gut.”

—Don Trump

Chapter 12: Leadership:

“Some believe all warfare is based on deception. This is fake news. All leadership is based entirely on deception.”

—Don Trump

“Be unpredictable. Be unreliable. Be impulsive. Be anything but a Kurd.”

—Don Trump

“In the midst of chaos there is opportunity. Be the chaos. Want to know who said that? It was Sgt. Snorkle. Speaking to Beetle Bailey. Or it could’ve been Rambo. I lost respect for John Rambo when he was captured in “Rambo: First Blood Part II.

“Is it tee time?”

—Don Trump

“He who avoids study, strategy and tactics shall lose the battle but win the ratings war.”

—Don Trump

“The Art of the War Deal,” by Donald Trump, is available, in very large print, wherever bomb shelters, air raid sirens and survivalist food supplies are sold. Each edition comes with a red “Make War Great Again” cap.

David Fitzsimmons: tooner@tucson.com.

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