The following column is the opinion and analysis of the writer:
Watching the secretary of state debate between the Republican candidate Mark Finchem and the Democratic candidate Adrian Fontes, I learned Fontes is an impressive, patriotic, sane, and thoughtful attorney. And a former Marine.
Finchem is not. Finchem is a retired cop from Kalamazoo his supervisor would not rehire.
He is the kind of babbling brook you’d expect to say, “Why are Maricopa County doorbells giving our DNA to a lab in Wuhan and why hasn’t the lame stream, Marxist, hack media reported anything about the ‘Ballot Box Bermuda Triangle’ in Seligman, which an eyewitness saw abducting Trump voters and transporting them to a socialist re-education camp run by the ACLU inside Ft. Huachuca’s drug blimp?”
Moderator: “Mr. Finchem, were you at the Capitol Insurrection on January 6th?”
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“Is being anywhere when something happens a crime? Was I at the Capitol when FBI moles working with AntiFa actors framed Trump-loving patriots on a middle-school field trip that got a little out of hand? Yes. I was. On a special mission. I went there to give our Congressmen my explosive ultra-top secret book of election fraud evidence, compiled by our intrepid Cyber Ninjas, verified by the Amazing Kreskin, certified by Rudy Giuliani and annotated by Bigfoot.”
Moderator: “Do you believe Arizona’s 2020 election was stolen?”
Fontes: “Arizona’s 2020 election was not stolen. Every Arizona court and every county board, along with Arizona’s secretary of state, our Trump-loving attorney general and governor, agreed the election was clean and fair and Trump lost.”
Finchem: “Can I talk here? Why did they all agree? Because, according to Steve Bannon, Alex Jones, the Pillow Guy and Edgar Cayce’s brain in a jar, they were all deep-fake actors, part of the vast Soros-Satanic-World Order run by Chairman Biden with the help of Bill Gates, the Wuhan Institute for Marxism, Blofeld and a global army of 3,000 cannibals and pedophiles that meet with Rachel Maddow, Dr. No, Dr. Evil and Dr. Phil in Gila Bend once a week inside the Flying Saucer atop ‘The Space Age Diner’ to plot their war on Christmas, heterosexual marriage and our elections using transgender immigrants. You don’t know this because your lame stream media is controlled by you-know-who. Donate $1.95 to my campaign to receive your MAGA cowboy hat, your TRUMP 2024 scarf, your Ballot Marshall badge and my patented ‘You-Know-Who-I’m talking-about-it’s-the-Jews’ decoder ring.”
Moderator: “Do you have proof of any of this?”
Finchem: “I have proof the 2020 election was rigged, the ‘Little Mermaid’ was not a real mermaid and Geraldo Rivera stole my mustache. All of which I will reveal in due time. Did you know ‘The Thing’ outside Willcox was a Yuma County poll worker shot by Lee Harvey Oswald, who is alive and working for the Illuminati with the Trilateral Commission who is surveilling every sovereign citizen who is onto Oliver Stone who faked Hurricane Ian three days after ‘The Condor’ delivered the ‘DaVinci Codebreaker’ machine to ‘Capricorn One,’ which is the Freemasons’ name for a cave in the Superstition Mountains where the Maricopa ballots from 2020 were hidden by the Knights of Templar?”
Fontes: “You’re dangerous.”
Finchem: “No, my friend. Your Marxist election-stealing transgender pedophiles are dangerous. Since my special ops unit, The Hanging Chads, found the 2020 election results in Maricopa County were irredeemable, I’ve had to wear my tin-foil lined cowboy hat designed by Dr. Oz to block out the deadly MSNBC rays Hunter Biden has been blasting at me with his ultra-special laptop to try and shut me up.”
Moderator: “Closing arguments, gentleman.”
Fontes: “I’m sane, ethical, competent, and late for a work meeting.”
Moderator: “Thank you, Mr. Fontes. Your close, Mr. Finchem?”
Finchem: “When gerrymandering and dark money aren’t enough to give you the win you want, you need my thumb on the elections scale. I will restore election integrity by personally hand counting every ballot. Because our voting machines can’t be trusted. Because they come from the future.
I know election integrity. I taught the Cyber Ninjas how to use the X-ray specs Kelli Ward picked up in bulk at Spencer’s Gifts. Bannon told me Moneypenny told him, on the down low, they were developed by Q. Mr. Trump told me they were used by the real James Bond in “Never Vote Twice.” Crazy, right? That spun my spurs.
If Governor Lake ever became incapacitated by Lex Luthor, then your duly elected secretary of state would be next in line. If that happens, I promise you, and President Trump, that I will faithfully execute two things:
The oath of office and a search warrant on Hunter Biden’s ultra-secret thumb drive, which I know for a fact is hidden in the Penguin’s lair.”
Moderator: “Thank you, gentleman. Mr. Finchem, men in white coats are waiting in the lobby, asking for you.”
