Q. My ex is a terrible co-parent. When we divorced, I remarried soon afterward, but I have stayed open to co-parenting with their mother. We had to move an hour away and so my time with the kids had to change. I now have most weekends, but my relationship with the kids has changed. They are very attached to their mother and she will not do anything to help improve my relationship with them. She says that's my job, but how can I do that only six days a month from an hour away? What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. First, your ex is partially right. Your relationship with your children is ultimately your responsibility. But good co-parenting also means recognizing that children benefit when both parents support the child’s relationship with the other parent. That’s part of putting the children first.
Unfortunately, after divorce, some parents quietly step back from encouraging that connection. They may not openly interfere, but they also don’t help. They don’t encourage phone calls, speak positively about the other parent, or make emotional space for the child to stay connected. Over time, children naturally gravitate toward the parent they see most often, especially when routines, school, homework and daily life revolve around that household.
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That doesn’t necessarily mean your children love you less. It means proximity matters.
That said, it’s also important to acknowledge that you made a choice that affected your children’s daily lives. You remarried and moved an hour away. Even if the move made sense financially, emotionally or for your new marriage, your children are likely to connect that move with your decision to build a new life elsewhere. Children often see things very simply: “Dad moved away.” They don’t necessarily separate the practical reasons from the emotional impact.
I know the mother likely feels she has clearly established a boundary and that it is the father’s responsibility to maintain a healthy relationship with the children, particularly since he made the decision to move away. From her perspective, she may feel she should not have to “carry” his parenting role for him. That’s understandable.
However, good co-parenting is not about deciding whose responsibility ends where. It’s about recognizing that children benefit when both parents support the child’s relationship with the other parent, even after difficult decisions or major life changes.
That doesn’t make you a bad parent, but it does mean you may have to work harder to maintain closeness.
The mistake many noncustodial parents make is trying to compete for affection during parenting time. Weekends become packed with entertainment, gifts or pressure for the children to “prove” their love. But relationships are not built through grand gestures. They are built through consistency, emotional safety and genuine connection over time.
You may only have six days a month in person, but your relationship doesn’t have to exist only on those days.
Call consistently. Ask about ordinary things, not just school performance or schedules. Learn who their friends are. Watch their games, performances and activities even when it’s inconvenient. Read bedtime stories over FaceTime when they’re younger. Text funny memes when they’re older. Become part of their daily emotional life, not just their weekend routine.
And don’t underestimate the power of attitude. Children pick up on resentment quickly. If every interaction includes criticism of their mother or frustration about the custody arrangement, they may emotionally pull back because they feel caught in the middle.
Good ex-etiquette means understanding that co-parenting is not only about dividing time. It’s about helping children feel emotionally free to love both parents without guilt or pressure.
Children remember who consistently showed up emotionally, not just physically.
