Q: I told my ex's new wife that I was saving up to take my daughter to a concert that I knew she wanted to go to. The tickets were very expensive, but I had been saving for six months because I wanted to surprise her. Yesterday was my daughter's birthday. She came home from her dad's house with a ticket to the concert. Evidently, her dad and his wife are now taking her instead. I'm brokenhearted. I don't know how to address this. What's good ex-etiquette?
A: Ouch. I can understand why you're hurt.
The first thing to remember is that your daughter didn't do anything wrong. From her perspective, she received an exciting birthday gift from her father. Don't let your disappointment diminish her excitement.
That said, if your ex and his wife knew you had been saving for months to make this happen, they undermined your effort to create a special memory with your daughter. They missed an opportunity to support your relationship with her and to truly put your child first.
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In fact, one factor many courts consider in custody decisions is which parent is more likely to encourage and facilitate the child's relationship with the other parent. Deliberately undermining the other parent's relationship with the child is not only hurtful but also contrary to what courts expect from parents acting in their child's best interests.
Unfortunately, some co-parents compete instead of cooperate. They try to outdo one another, believing that whoever gives the biggest gift or creates the biggest surprise somehow "wins." Children don't benefit from that competition. They benefit when both parents respect each other's relationship with them. When parents are predictable and treat each other with respect, children feel safe and secure. When one parent deliberately undermines the other, children become anxious and uncertain. They have no model for what a loving, respectful relationship looks like.
Before making a decision that affects your child, stop and ask yourself, "How would I feel if my co-parent did this to me?" That's exactly what Good Ex-Etiquette Rule No. 7, "Use empathy when problem solving," is all about. In other words, put yourself in the other parent's shoes. Had your ex and his wife done that, they likely would have chosen a different birthday gift and allowed you and your daughter to share the special memory you had worked so hard to create.
So how do you respond? Don't retaliate. Don't try to top their next surprise. Don't involve your daughter in your disappointment. Instead, don't blame or accuse. Simply tell your co-parent what happened and how it affected you. Ask for something very simple: mutual respect. Explain that if you know they're planning something special, you'll support it rather than compete with it, and you expect the same courtesy in return.
You can't control whether your co-parent honors that request. But you can continue to model the kind of behavior your daughter deserves to see. That's good ex-etiquette.
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