Jerry Davich
A grandmother. A teenager. A military veteran. A drug addict.
They all have the same thing in common: A loved one whose life has been strangled or snuffed out by addiction. These readers contacted me in response to my recent column about "Friends" TV star Matthew Perry, my late brother and hundreds of empty bottles in the wake of their deaths.
“After reading your article, I felt it would be appropriate to reach out. Families of addiction come in all shapes and sizes,” wrote James G. of Glens Falls, New York.
“I am a 56-year-old father of a 31-year-old son with addiction. I am a neurosurgeon and my son's younger brother, who is 27, is an engineer at Tesla.”
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His older son’s addiction problems started with smoking pot as a teenager at a skate park, then progressed to OxyContin abuse, and later to heroin.
I admired him more for his candid feelings about his off-screen demons.
“He has been to jail. He has been to rehab seven times,” his father wrote. “He has been sober since January, living with other sober individuals, paying rent and working a job from six in the morning till six or seven at night.”
The simplest of achievements are often heralded by loved ones of addicts.
“I love the fact that we have a relationship now with the person I always knew was inside of him,” the father wrote.
This is a common dynamic within families of addicts, including my family. We are forced to live with two versions of our loved one. This dilemma is especially true for parents who are typically more committed to loving their troubled child.
Matthew Perry, who starred as Chandler Bing in the hit series "Friends," died Oct. 28, 2023. He was 54. The Emmy-nominated actor was found dea…
“The pain we feel cannot be quantified other than to say that it is only matched by the unconditional love of a parent for a child,” James G. wrote.
Another reader echoed what many others told me about my late brother, Joe.
“The name Joe could easily be changed to my brother, then change it again to my dad. Same story, same senseless loss of life. Same devastating damage affecting all the people in their lives,” she wrote. “Loved them both dearly and at times hated them too. Although it’s been years I still wonder why. Why them? Why our family? Why not me?”
I often wondered the same thing about my brother, who took a lot of drugs in a futile attempt to feel better.
Billy P., a reader from Iowa, summed up perfectly the deadly relationship between emotional pain and substance abuse: “Addiction becomes the uncontrollable response to deal with pain. We all want to manage our sins thinking somehow we are in charge.”
Readers showed unexpected empathy toward my brother’s demons and surprising compassion for other addicts’ troubles.
“I wanted to tell you how moved I was by your editorial in the St. Louis Post-Dispatch. You made your brother come alive in the retelling,” wrote Matrice Schafers, from Ballwin, Missouri.
“Your article that parallels your brother's life with Perry's really engaged me. The description of your many mixed feelings and the effect on other family members is exactly what Perry would have wanted you to write,” Cindy Felton wrote.
“I have never emailed or written a newspaper columnist before but felt compelled to. I read your article concerning your brother's alcohol/drug addiction and it was so moving and heartfelt. Thank your for sharing so honestly and may your brother now be at peace,” Laurie Willis wrote.
A reader from Madison, Wisconsin, was one of many people who were shocked by my gift of prescription pills to my brother on this birthday.
“Your birthday gift of pills was shocking, yet I’m sure I probably gave my brother a bottle of alcohol for Christmas before I realized it was an issue. I just love the way you brought this age-old problem to the forefront with the personal touch about your brother and personal experience,” she wrote.
An Indiana reader told me: “In recovery myself for over 20 years, I read it with admiration and appreciation for your reiterating Matthew Perry’s statement about the importance of helping others.”
More than a dozen readers stressed the underlying message of my initial column, which remains the same message for today’s column.
“I hope your article encourages others to seek help. Never, never give up,” a reader told me.
