The following column is the opinion and analysis of the writer: In spite of last Saturday’s political heartburn, I returned to the Arroyo Cafe.
To needle Sour Frank. “Hey, Frank, your party went with the Trump Trifecta of trolls! Kari Fake, Blake and Finchem the Fixer! The election deniers! I’m the happiest satirist in America!”
Frank smiled. “I’ll have the last laugh. They’re going to win in November.”
“You’re as deluded as they are.”
Lurlene elbowed Frank. “Now that Kari’s won I’m sure ‘Miss Trump in Pumps’ will share her proof of the ‘shenanigans’ she was yapping about before she won. Unless it’s possible a Fox anchor would lie.”
Frank ignored Lurlene’s guffaws. “Rosa? Can I get a fresh cup?”
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Rosa poured. “Did you see where Brnovich found there was no evidence of voter fraud in 2020, Frank? None.”
Frank smiled. “Fake news, Rosa. Biden stole the election.”
Rosa smiled. “You’ve gone over the edge, Frank. If Trump’s tool, Finchem, becomes Arizona’s secretary of state he’ll steal the election in 2024! If you want to stop the real steal from taking place you got to stop Finchem.”
Frank laughed at Rosa’s panic. “He’ll clean up our elections. You’ll see.”
Lurlene said: “Hey Frank, now that Lake, Finchem and Masters have won, will they have to give up their Twilight Zone residency and move to Arizona? Fitz, can you believe Finchem still claims the 2020 election was rigged?”
“And he believes his mustache makes him look like that famous TV star…”
“Sam Elliott?”
“Wilford Brimley. Did you know he’s a member of oat eaters?”
Carlos corrected me. “Finchem is an ‘Oath Keeper.’”
Lurlene corrected Carlos. “Actually he’s an ‘Oaf Keeper.’ He’ll do everything in his power to keep that orange oaf in the White House.”
“Hey, Frank,” I asked, “when will your beloved Oath Keepers condemn President Trump’s failure to uphold his oath to preserve, protect and defend our Constitution?”
Frank rolled his eyes. “The day you libs admit our border’s in chaos. Thank God, Blake Masters will be looking out for us.”
I rolled my eyes. “Your millionaire election denier won’t be looking out for you. He’ll be looking out for America’s billionaires! What a bunch of suckers!”
Lurlene said: “Amen to that. What can you expect from Arizona? The state where you don’t need a college degree to teach.”
Carlos, who taught for 20 years before he retired to open his dream cafe, spoke from experience: “As if anyone with a college degree would volunteer for slavery in this Third World hellhole micromanaged by right-wing nuts who hate education. Why would they focus on funding education, raising our low test scores and fixing our terrible student teacher ratio when they can rile whites with their bogus Critical Race Theory crap? Tom Horne is back, and you can bet he’s going to run on the culture war garbage.”
Frank sneered. “I admire Mr. Horne for going after the pedophiles grooming our precious children with their sick sex education.”
Carlos winced. “Frank! You’re unhinged! Horne’s scapegoating gays as predators like we were back in the 50s. And you know what, Frank? Just like in your ‘good old pre-sex-ed days,’ more girls will seek abortions. Not less.”
Frank waved Carlos off. ”Fake news. You socialists will lose big in 2024.”
Carlos sighed over his sizzling stove. “I miss the days when being delusional disqualified a citizen from running for public office. Now it’s a prerequisite. Frank, did you know Finchem said Jan. 6 was instigated by leftists?”
Lurlene nodded. “Finchem’d know. He was there. And he said he’d never trust the FBI and Obama was trying to establish a dictatorship and Charlottesville was a Deep State Operation and Marxist pedophiles are everywhere. What district is Finchem from?”
Carlos said: “He’s not from a district. He’s from a Hangar. Hangar 51.”
Lurlene asked Frank how he felt about the anti-Semitic founder of “Gab,” Andrew Torba, endorsing Finchem.
“More fake news.” Lurlene shook her head as Frank opined about the economy, MSDNC, and Biden’s “senility.”
I interrupted Frank. “Hey, Frank, what do you think about Rusty Bowers? The Republican who told the truth about Trump’s lies and mob tactics and was rewarded with a pink slip?”
“Another RINO traitor.”
I gagged. “This all feels like the rise of the fascists in Germany in the 30s.”
“You’re nuts. That’ll never happen here. Unless you socialist elites take away our guns. This is a Christian nation.”
“Really? Why would ‘Christians’ vote for stooges who promoted the lies of an immoral narcissist — a criminal who plotted a putsch to overthrow our government?”
Frank smugly said, “Fake news.”
We fell silent.
Finally Lurlene whispered, “Check, please.” She paid her tab and walked past Frank without a word. As she left she glanced wistfully at the faded flag decal on the cafe’s glass door.
