Casa de los Niños: Helping grandparents as caregivers, especially now

When we think of the role of grandparents, we visualize a grandmother wearing her crisp clean apron and baking cookies with her grandchildren or the grandfather watering the trees outside, while he supervises the grandchildren playing in the yard. At the end of a wonderful day or weekend spent with the grandchildren, they are picked up by their parents and the grandparents retreat to resting and going back to their quiet routine.

The picture we just painted is not the reality of many grandparents who have taken over the parenting role of their grandchildren. The grandparents are caught in the middle between the responsibility of parenting their grandchildren and the heartache of seeing their own child lose their ability to parent. In the meantime, they are grieving in silence, the loss of their independence and the plans they had for their golden years, while being consumed with guilt for their feelings.

Who supports the grandparents as they adapt to their newly acquired role, so that they can continue supporting the children? Fortunately, you do not have to face this situation alone. There are resources with our own family, friends and community. Casa de los Niños is a valuable community resource, equipped with professionals who are able to provide an array of services (i.e., individual and family therapy, parenting classes, in-home family support services), to help the family during this difficult transitory period.

Below are some helpful tips to support grandparents as they work on setting up all of the services that the family requires.

Acknowledge your feelings (stress, worry, anger, resentment, guilt, sadness) and accept what you are feeling, both positive and negative. Do not beat yourself up for having those thoughts and feelings. It is natural to have mixed feelings about parenting a second time around. Having these feelings does not mean you are a bad person or that you don’t love your grandchildren.

Take care of yourself physically and mentally, so that you are able to tackle all of the daily demands and challenges that come your way. Self-care is not a luxury, but a requirement to stay healthy. You cannot execute your parenting role if you are emotionally depleted, overwhelmed and physically exhausted.

Look for support within your own family or community. It is OK to ask for help and it is OK to receive help. Studies show that grandparents who cope well with the added stress of raising grandchildren are those who seek out others for support.

Be emotionally present for your grandchildren. They will need a present and nurturing adult to help them manage their own feelings about the loss of the daily contact with their parents, their home, their toys and everything they had to leave behind.

Create a stable environment for the grandchildren. The routine will serve not only to bring structure to the home, but also make the transition easier for all the family. A stable environment helps the grandchildren feel secure and they will thrive in that environment.

Promote open communication with the grandchildren, by honestly and age-appropriately answering the difficult questions posed by the children. It’s OK to say, “I don’t know” when you don’t have the answer to a question. Don’t lie or ignore the question.

With every day comes new challenges, such as the current COVID-19 pandemic. You, as the caregiver, are an integral part of how a family can maintain stability and security.

Often times, grandparents feel unqualified or overwhelmed by technology, feeling they have lost their place and respect in the world. But grandparents carry the main ingredients of survival for their families: beliefs, values, cultural traditions, and your “lived life experiences.”

A wise person once said, “When you share memories with your family, you share love with them,” and isn’t that what we need most right now?