Fitz column mug

David Fitzsimmons, Tucson’s most beloved ink-stained wretch.

The following column is the opinion and analysis of the writer.

I get questions from readers. Here is a sampling, along with my answers.

Q. Can you find and send me a print of a cartoon you drew around 1987, or maybe it was in ’93, about something that was going on in our state somewhere?

A. No.

Q. What kind of idiot are you?

A. High-functioning.

Q. Why do you traitors favor open borders?

A. Never have. Never will. Open minds? Now that’s a concept I can get behind.

Q. Why are you such a liberal idiot? Were you hit on the head when you were a kid?

A. Repeatedly. When I was a kid I loved to jump up and down on my bed. Room had a low ceiling fan that spun faster than a prop on a P-58. That sucker knocked my cowlick into a different ZIP code at least three times a day.

Q.When did you join the deep state?

A. You got me, Inspector Clouseau. I confess. George Soros gave me a Yugo.

Since you’ve blown my cover, I may as well tell you about the Clintons’ involvement with a Swiss uranium mine outside Benghazi that was used to smuggle Serbian sex slaves to Little Rock.

Tell no one.

Q. What do you do when you get writer’s block?

A. I write a Q&A column. Then it just flows. As Melissa McCarthy said in “Bridesmaids”— “It’s coming out of me like lava.”

Q. Where do you get your ideas from?

A. Murray Feldman, a one-eyed 83-year-old retired joke writer from Cocoa Beach, Florida.

Q. Why don’t you check your bleeding-heart self into a nuthouse?

A. Tried. Gave up. They were taking forever to process your irascible mother.

Q.What makes you think you’re so funny?

A. International acclaim. Waitress on the graveyard shift at the IHOP thinks I’m a hoot and a half.

Q. Why don’t you leave America if you hate it so much?

A. Why don’t you hate America if you leave it so much? I love America. It’s you I have my doubts about. But I could learn to deeply love you in a way that’s appropriate for the workplace.

Q. How many illegals are you going to take into your home?

A. I’m glad you asked, Mother Teresa. None. I’m busy building a wall around my home that’s as impermeable as your head. To keep the MAGA zombies out. When the Border Apocalypse comes.

Q. You’re a scumbag. How do you look at yourself in the mirror every day and not throw up?

A. I know. I know. I’m glad you asked. I had that problem myself, once. But through sheer will I conquered my mirror demons. It’ll never get easy. But, son, no one ever said looking in a mirror without selling Buicks would be easy.

Q.You actually get paid to write your sick, stupid unfunny crap?

A. Yes. And hear me out, Ebenezer. I draw four cartoons a week for the Opinion Page. And one for Caliente. I write a column. I give talks. Plus I’m Sarah Garrecht Gassen’s human office Roomba. And her limo driver. She makes me wear the a full chauffeur’s uniform, even in summer. Makes we wear an apron and carry a duster.

Q. Why don’t you retire?

A. Hear me once. They’ll get my Pentel flexible soft nib manga pen, with the orthopedic grip, when they pry it from my dead cold fingers.

Q. What planet are you from?

A. Earth. Don’t tell me. You’re from a planet that’s mostly methane.

Q. Isn’t it amazing how brave you totally gutless liberals are over the internet?

A.Yes.

Q. Why are you so biased, partisan and unfair?

A. Why are you so bewitched, bothered and bewildered? All cartoonists are biased, partisan and unfair. If you think a cartoonist isn’t biased and unfair it’s because you share his partisan views. Mic drop. Oh snap.

Q.Why are you such a hater?

A. I hate the haters who hate on the haters who hate the haters who are making America hate again. I hate them more than I hate the haters who hate the haters who hate on the haters who hate the haters who are making America hate again.

Q. Do you have an editor?

A. Yess, I due! Sarah Garrecht Gassen editz my cartunes and al my columns Including this WeAkly column which sHe editz very carefully. She’s REEL guuuud @ her job.

Q. Why don’t you take a long vacation and never come back?

A. Great idea! I think I will take a vacation. But I’ll be back in two weeks. And boy howdy, for 14 days I am really going to enjoy tossing spit wads at Mar-a-Lago from the upper deck of George Soros’ yacht.

David Fitzsimmons: tooner@tucson.com.

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