The following column is the opinion and analysis of the writer: I am a “cyber ninja” and I was a part of the team that conducted the ballot audit in Maricopa County from the very beginning. This is my story.
In May, the Republicans hired us Cyber Ninjas because they wanted a firm with no election expertise because, like my cousin Lula May said, “Any fool knows all so-called experts are stupid liars. What matters is them Cyber Ninjas know in their ninja hearts the 2020 election was stolen by them Satan-worshipping-Democrat-liberal-pedophile-cannibal-socialists and given enough time they’ll prove it.”
When I was interviewed at the Maricopa County Memorial Coliseum I told them, ”I always wanted to be a ninja! Every Halloween in Apache Junction I dressed up like one. It’s my favorite cosplay at Comic-Con and I’m a Proud Boy who owns a tiki torch, a pitchfork and a QAnon Decoder Ring and I love Donald Trump and I’m into computer forensics, whatever that is, and I saw ‘Beverly Hills Ninja’ eight times and I can count like a ninja. Real kung-fu sneaky-like.”
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They questioned me and told me, “You failed our IQ test. When can you start?”
I began my training under Master Cyber Ninja Hal Huckster from Yuma. “Before you know it you’ll be walking up walls, flying across ballot machines, karate chopping away at voter fraud like a buzzsaw with your ninja moves.”
“What?”
“Right now we want you to make sure all the laptops with election stuff on them and the ballots aren’t safely stored anywhere to show we ain’t afraid of nothing.”
“Can I tinker with the voting machines, in my free time?”
“Sure. Tomorrow you’ll be using this ultraviolet flashlight thingamabob to look for anything suspicious on the ballots. Mark them with this blue pen. Just like the ones some voters used. As sure as George Soros built a Biden robot we ain’t following no so-called ‘standard recounting procedures.’ We’re ninjas!”
Next thing I know I’m checking ballots, looking for the fraud that’s there, as sure as Obama was born in Kenya, with my ultraviolet flashlight thingamabob. At our table we talked about Donald Trump, biblical prophecy and the microchip in Doug Ducey’s neck.
Hal told me you aren’t supposed to look into the ultraviolet light.
I will never trust any so-called experts telling this free citizen what he can or can’t look at. So I looked right into it.
Lost my left eye. Now I’m wearing a “TRUMP 2024” eye patch and squinting like Popeye, which inspired me to change my “QAnon” password to “BearSprayPartyPopeye.”
Next day my sole trusted news source on the 2020 steal, “The ‘My Pillow’ Guy,” came by, gave us all signed pillows and told us how the Chinese, the Ukrainian Illuminati and the Tempur-Pedic Pillow Board of Directors were behind the steal. I knew it!
In June I was assigned to a counting table with six other “Official Certified Republican Auditor Patriots” known as the O.C.R.A.P. team. Our main job was to look super serious when the lamestream media’s cameras were on us.
A week later Hal told us we were supposed to look for some Chinese food in the ballots, some kind of bamboo fibers. I got to wear a “Fraud Whistle” and use a big magnifying lens like the kind Elmer Fudd used to find wabbits until we were replaced by a panda trained to sniff out bamboo-scented voter fraud. Found out later he was a rodeo clown in a costume.
I ended up working security, shooing away what I decided were antifa terrorists and red-flag crisis actors, investigative journalists from the lamestream media and thousands of psychiatrists and mental health counselors trying to drop off their stupid business cards.
I served my country, we wrapped up our work and now the world waits.
On Monday our report was set to be printed on special paper laced with invisible tinfoil, making it impervious to Jewish Space Lasers but that got delayed when our boss, Doug Logan, and other members of our team, Larry, Moe, Curly, Honey Boo Boo, LuLu, Abbott and Costello tested positive for the coronavirus hoax.
I can tell you what’s in it. Seen it with my own eye. And at a cost of $9 million to you Arizona taxpayers, it’s a steal. That’s $6 million to replace the machines we “fiddled with” plus another $3 million for general expenses like the invisible tinfoil and dry cleaning our ninja costumes. A bargain!
In our hunt for evidence of fraud we true patriots will never be deterred by the truth. Meanwhile, I’m packing for Pennsylvania and Wisconsin.
