Opinion: Honoring your parents doesn't mean following their career plans

When Ben, a member of our Jewish community in Tucson, learned that he hadn't been accepted to medical school, he was surprised by his own reaction. He felt relieved.

For years, becoming a doctor had been the plan. He had majored in physiology, earned excellent grades and scored well on the MCAT. His parents had always encouraged him to pursue medicine, and he had worked hard toward that goal.

But the rejection made Ben realize something he hadn't admitted to himself. He didn't actually want to become a doctor. He wanted to be an engineer.

Ben grew up in a home where Jewish traditions and family values were important. His parents raised him to keep kosher, observe Shabbat and respect his elders.

When Ben announced that he wasn't going to reapply to medical school, his parents were understandably concerned. Would he need another undergraduate degree? How much longer would he be studying? What kind of career could he build?

Their questions came from genuine concern for his future.

But Ben faced a dilemma. As an observant Jew, he took the commandment to honor his parents seriously. Did that mean he had to follow their wishes?

The Fifth Commandment instructs us to honor our father and mother. This obligation applies throughout our lives, even after we become independent adults.

But what does honoring parents actually require?

Maimonides, the great Jewish scholar known as the Rambam, wrote nearly 900 years ago that parents should avoid making excessive demands on their children, lest they put them in a position where they might violate the very commandment to honor them.

Jewish law distinguishes between honoring parents and obeying their wishes in every matter. A child may choose a different profession while still taking his parents' concerns seriously and treating them with respect.

Ben applied to the University of Arizona's graduate program in biomedical engineering and found that much of his physiology coursework would count toward his new degree. He wouldn't need another undergraduate degree — he could go straight to his Master's.

He also discovered that he loved the engineering work, especially designing systems and developing medical devices.

For his master's thesis, he built a device that uses fluorescence to measure DNA amplification, technology with potential applications in research and diagnostics.

"I want to design systems and build prototype devices," he shared.

After three semesters and a summer, he is completing his master's degree, excited about the opportunities ahead.

And his parents? They have come around to supporting his decision, even if they still wish he had become a doctor.

There's an old Jewish joke about the first Jewish president of the United States. His mother flies in from Florida for the inauguration. As her son is sworn in, she turns to the man sitting beside her.

"You see that man with his hand on the Bible?"

"Yes," he replies.

"His brother's a doctor!"

Ben's parents may still wish he had become a doctor, but they've accepted his decision. And Ben continues to honor them. Perhaps this is what honoring parents looks like when children become adults. We can respect our parents, listen to their advice, and still make our own decisions. And who knows? Perhaps one day they'll be telling their friends about their son, the biomedical engineer.