The following column is the opinion and analysis of the writer.
Social distancing, quarantines and meticulous hand washing are just three efforts to contain COVID-19 spread. Such practices are critical to our physical health, but it’s important to remember that while the virus is contagious, fear is equally infectious. The associated fear, anxiety and panic is omnipresent and can take a tremendous toll on our mental health.
Like millions worldwide, I battle with mental illness. After my second year of graduate school, I developed anorexia nervosa as a coping mechanism for underlying mental health issues including perfectionism, imposter syndrome and extreme anxiety over situations out of my control. Three years later, I’ve recovered from my eating disorder and am in a much healthier place, mental and physically. But I am not “cured.” The COVID-19 pandemic reminds me that while I am more stable than I was, my mental health will always be under threat.
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The severe lack of control I feel over this situation is tremendously triggering to my underlying mental health issues. I’m quite anxious about the power I lack over aspects that matter most in my life, especially as a doctoral student planning to graduate in May.
For years, I have envisioned my family in the audience as I deliver my public doctoral defense. I’ve imagined looking each one of them in the eyes with tears in my own, thanking them for their support throughout this journey. I’ve dreamed about walking across the graduation stage in May, proudly facing my family as I am hooded by my mentor and announced as “Dr. Brittany Uhlorn.”
Now, less than one month from my defense, I’m crushed by the gravity of the pandemic’s effects on my life. My public defense has been canceled. I will be alone as I virtually defend my degree to my committee and family. Not even my husband will be physically present to give me a reassuring smile or congratulatory embrace. I won’t walk the stage and get hooded by my mentor at graduation as my loved ones watch from the audience. I’m frozen with fear that no one will hire me in May, a situation we cannot afford.
At times, my grievances feel trivial in the grand scheme of things – many are dying or without food, access to health care and a source of income, yet I’m concerned over seemingly “little” things. While I recognize my privilege and that my problems are by no means life-threatening, I also must be kind to myself because these issues are affecting my mental health. I’m allowed to feel devastated and without hope, and so are you, no matter your situation or the scale of your problems.
As learned from my yoga teacher, Sam Rice, I invite you to join me in cultivating awareness. How are you doing right now, mentally and emotionally? Are you anxious, sad or feeling lost? If so, get curious about why you might feel that way. What aspects of this pandemic are triggering to you?
Once you cultivate awareness and give yourself the space to explore your feelings, you get to make a choice. If you are mentally struggling like me, know that your innately anxious nature will not magically disappear. You could let it consume you, debilitate you, and even allow you to slip back into an eating disorder, like it might for me. Or, you can redirect your uncomfortable thoughts and give yourself the grace to work through this time.
When I recognize I’m feeling triggered, I do techniques to calm my central nervous system – techniques I learned from my therapist. I notice where I’m physically feeling uncomfortable emotions in my body – typically a tightening in my chest or a nauseous feeling in my stomach. Then, I shift to a place of calm – typically my legs. Other self-care techniques I’m practicing include gentle yoga, reading, journaling, making a gratitude list, using my essential oil diffuser and watching a movie with my husband.
So please, continue to wash your hands, avoid touching your face and practice social distancing. But please be sure to also take care of your mental health. You may or may not be aware of how much this situation is affecting you and those around you, but know that it’s OK to not be OK. By cultivating awareness and giving yourself the space to navigate your feelings, you have the power to choose how to move forward and traverse this difficult time.
Above all, if you are struggling, be kind and patient with yourself. If you aren’t struggling, please be kind and patient with others.
We’re all in this together.
Brittany L. Uhlorn is a doctoral candidate in cancer biology at the University of Arizona.
