Dr. Barton Goldsmith: From 'the personals' to the impersonal

I knew I wanted to be with someone who could make me laugh as well as meet the usual requirements (no smoking, no drugs and no emotional issues). I also was nearly broke, and because the newspaper charged by the word, I had to be careful to avoid spending my rent money on a search for love. I came up with what I thought was a very honest and somewhat clever little line that would let me know whoever responded would be doing so for the right reasons.

My ad read: “Robert Redford’s heart in Woody Allen’s body.” I figured anyone with a sense of humor would reply, but I got only one response. Still, I wasn’t disheartened — funny or not, in Los Angeles, looks matter. It’s something those of us who date in this city have to take into consideration. Not everyone is superficial, but we all have our standards, and being a nerd at that time just wasn’t attractive. I realized I would need to either increase my ad budget or speak in plainer English if I wanted this to work.

My next attempt was a little more to the point: “Strong, Sensitive and Smart seeks same.” Yes, it was still a one-liner, but this one got me more than 25 responses, and 22 of them were from therapists. This was before I decided to go back to school, and indeed it was one of the women I dated who set me on that path. We didn’t work out as a couple, but she was a major influence in my life, which brings up another thing about dating. It doesn’t have to lead to marriage or end in tears — you can actually make friends — so it’s worthwhile to approach with that in mind.

Dating in midlife (or beyond) is more challenging than when you are young because there are fewer options and more caution signs. If you’ve been hurt, it’s hard to put yourself back out there. But if you don’t want to be alone, you need to take the risk and let the world know you are actively seeking a life partner. Wanting to be in a committed relationship is one of the most attractive things you can say about yourself in a profile. Most people who are looking for a serious relationship find that many others are just looking to date, and you need to be on the same page if you want anything to work out.

Internet dating sites are currently getting a bad rap because of all the predatory daters online. This doesn’t mean you need to stay away from internet dating. By being careful and doing an appropriate background check on any potential partners, you can discover a great deal about the other person before you even meet.

If you don’t want to be alone, you need to make yourself available. I know it might be scary, but ask yourself if it isn’t worth at least giving a try.