Q. My son’s mother and I broke up seven months ago. She’s already living with someone else. He’s a felon and I’m furious that she’s dating someone like this. If he wasn’t in the picture, I’m sure we would have gotten back together. We have a 5-year-old son and I let him know every day that his mother has chosen this guy instead of us. I want him to know how his mother makes bad choices so he can protect himself. Now he no longer wants to see his mother but I have to send him because of the court order. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. It sounds to me like you’re being guided by anger and jealousy and not putting your son first. (Ex-Etiquette for Parents Rule No. 1: Put the children first.) Your comments sound more like you are making decisions based on how you feel and not what is the best interest of your child.
Right now, your child is learning three things:
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--Mom’s home is unsafe.
--Dad is worried and upset.
--I need to stay with Dad to be safe. He will protect me. Mom won’t.
That places your child in a loyalty bind and can confused him when it’s time to go back to Mom’s. Just remember, when we express our worries in front of our children, they become the child’s worries, too.
A 5-year-old cannot solve this problem. At his young age, your son has no idea what you’re talking about. He doesn’t understand the word “felon.” He doesn’t understand why Mom and Dad don’t live together anymore. He just knows Dad is angry and hurt and possibly afraid.
Look closely at what you are telling him: “Your mother chose this guy instead of us.” At a time when your child needs to feel safe and secure, you’re telling him not to trust his mother and that she has abandoned him.
You couldn’t have handled this more poorly if you had planned it.
Basically, you have told your child that loving Mom means betraying you. And, you’ve done this under the guise of him learning to protect himself? He’s 5. You’ve asked him to choose between you and his mother. That’s an impossible position for a child.
If Mom’s boyfriend presents a legitimate safety concern, address it through the proper channels, the police, the court or CPS. If this man proves to be dangerous, Mom’s choice to live with him could affect custody. But your 5-year-old should not be your investigator, confidant or ally.
Ex-Etiquette for Parents Rule No. 3 is "No badmouthing." Never talk negatively about Mom or anyone in Mom’s household in front of your child. So, stop discussing Mom’s boyfriend with him. Stop telling him Mom chose someone else over “us.” Instead, give your child permission to love both of you: “You don’t have to choose between us.” That lowers anxiety rather than reinforcing fear.
Finally, rarely do we put our best foot forward during a breakup. We’re human. Most of us operate through emotion rather than logic. We feel lost, and as a result our kids feel lost. Don’t add to their uncertainty by adding to the chaos. Consider some individual counseling to help you work through your anger and disappointment without involving your son. That’s good ex-etiquette.
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