● Carolyn:
My wife of 10 years is filing for divorce. I have had depression as well as anger issues for some time, but I recently got professional help and feel better than at any point in my entire life.
She has been telling people that she can't get over the problems I have had, and that is why we are getting a divorce. However, she has told me she has feelings for a female co-worker and would like to spend more time with her — and has actually kissed her. So, basically, she is having an extramarital affair on me with a woman.
She doesn't want anyone to know this, and I won't tell anyone as long as she wants to play the charade. However, she is dragging my name through the mud when she lies about the divorce. Do I sit here and take the abuse so she can save face?
— Anonymous
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She may be lying about the reasons, plural, that you're getting a divorce. But that doesn't mean your history with her isn't the primary reason. Your marriage was for 10 years, and your promising treatment is "recent"; her crush on a girl hardly wipes out the decade with an angry, depressed husband as a motivator for divorce.
That said, her invoking your difficulties to anyone but her closest friends is inappropriate and unfair — and would be even without the added element of deception. Divorces are public record but private in all other respects. The most affectionate parting gift couples can give is to leave (what remains of) each other's dignity intact.
Request this of her, by all means. Suggest a more general "We gave it our best," since it's rare when that isn't true.
● Hey Carolyn:
Almost 15 years ago in college, I dated a young man. The relationship ended very badly, with him basically blowing me off in a very public and hurtful way. At the time I was so upset that I bad-mouthed him to pretty much everyone, including my mother.
I didn't see him again until about two years ago. I'd grown up and was over the hurt of our breakup for a long time. He's also done a lot of maturing and has turned into a really fantastic man. He and I have started dating.
When I mentioned him to my parents, my mother immediately freaked out over how he hurt me all those years ago and says he's probably still scum of the Earth. She never has met him. In my mother's opinion, no man has ever been good enough for me, and she always says awful, untrue and unfair things about the men I have dated on the rare occasions when I have introduced her to them.
He and I are quite serious, to the point where a "meet the parents" is expected. Suggestions for how to handle this?
— Bad-mouthing
Nothing in all that history makes your mom's disapproval rational, and surely a mature and "really fantastic" man can handle her irrational dislike, if duly warned. Prepare him, introduce him, and trust him.